No IUI this month

I feel like the months are starting to blend together. As Preston and I sat talking on our drive up to Fresno yesterday we couldn't believe how fast the months have been going by. We couldn't remember if the last time we saw our doctor was in December or January. Normally this would be a good thing if you are looking forward to something. But in our case I feel like its a bad thing. The further and further we go on this infertility journey it is hard to stay positive that something good is going to come out of all this heartbreak and stess.

With this being said we have decided to seek held from a therapist. I will be calling one today so we can start this process. We need help with coping when we see babies or announcements of pregnancies. Like I said in the past I am genuinely happy for everyone but deep down inside I die each time and reminds me that we are no where close to even having that.  I think what a lot of people who haven't struggled with infertility don't understand how deep the pain really is for us.  We want things to be as normal as possible. This is why we have started to become more private about everything. This is just a place for me to express my feelings and helps relief stress as well. We want to be a normal couple who gets to surprise our famlies when we are pregnant and see the pure excitement on their faces. We want to make one of those cute announments you see on Pinterest.  We aren't becoming more private because we are being selfish or mean. We just wish everything was normal for us.

Okay enough on that rant. This month was pretty depressing. We ended up not doing iui because my follicle isn't really growing very much. The doctor would like us to have one that is in a 18-20 range. This month on my 1st scan I had a 16 on my left ovary and a 1 inch cyst on my right ovary. Both not very good stuff for trying to get pregnant. So we did a scan on Monday which was CD 11 for me and I was to come back on Wednesday for another scan on CD 13. Well I tested postive for an ovulation surge on Tuesday. My crazy self called the doctors office Tuesday afternoon after 2 tests to make sure I was seeing what I was really seeing. Left a message for the nurse to call me back. I never got a call. So we drove all the way to Fresno the next morning to see what we should do. I called the minute they opened and told them no one called me back only to find out that they did and left me a voice mail. So now I was the crazy lady calling. They were able to squeeze me in for a quick scan. We weren't sure if we wanted to do the iui if my follicle didn't grow much more. The scan showed that my cyst started to shrink on its own. But my follicle only grew 1 more mm. We decided that it was a waste of money to try this time.

So next month we will try the same game plan because I will not be able to come in on CD 1 or 2 to check on my cyst. They want to make sure it goes away. Then the following month( in June) if the iui doesn't work we will take all the letrozole on CD 3 because there has been some research that it really helps boost follicle growth.

That is all I have for now.

-Kate

Quick update

Sorry I've been quiet the last few months but we have decided it is easier to not talk about things lately. This whole experiance has been so excruciatingly painful and sometimes it's hard to write about or even having to talk about it a million times. So for now if I get the urge to blog I will but I will not be posting an update on to Facebook. So if you are reading this you are a smart cookie or a great stalker.

As of today we have completed 2 rounds of unsuccessful iui. Although I don't know if you can count roun 1 or not considering how small my follicle was and my cycle was super crazy. I'll get into that later.

 I have decided that we will give iui 2 more tries before I throw in the towel. After that I don't know what our next step will be. But whatever we choose please respect our choice. One thing I cannot and will not stand for are for others opinions. You have not been in our shoes and have no idea of the pain we have experienced in the past 3 plus years. We don't want to hear about a friends friend who was dealing with a similar situation and after they stopped trying they became pregnant.  Yes I still have people who say these things to me. I think this is why I don't want to be so open about our infertility journey any more.

So round 1 I was on 2.5mg of letrozole and I was able to produce a 15 mm follicle. I was told to go home and test for ovulation and if I ovulate before our next appointment I should call. Well much to our surprise I was ovulating that day. So we had to come back the next day to do iui. During a very long 2 week wait my cycle started 4 days early. I didn't cry I was just pissed that I was early.

Round 2 I was prescribed 5 mg of letrozole which proved to work much better because I produced a 17 mm follicle. I made sure I was testing before my appointment and I hadn't ovulated yet so at 6 PM that evening Preston had to give me hsg shot in my stomach. Well at 6PM I am at work so we got to do that in my break room. Well that took a whole 20 minutes for me to work up the courage to allow Preston to give me the shot. My coworkers reaction to seeing my husband holding a needle and me panicking was not the best. I had to give them a quick answer that I'm not on drugs and this was for iui. I had quite audience and people offering to give me the shot or to hold my hand. I really don't need to get into more detail about round 2 because as I stated already it was unsuccessful.  I was devastated when I took a pregnancy test. I cried in the shower and on the way to work.

I know it's important to stay positive or to envision our lives with a child. I really don't want to give iui another 2 tries because every time I die a little inside when it doesn't work. It's one of the worst feelings ever. I am beyond empty and numb. I am ready to start seeing a therapist because I know deep down inside that we won't be parents. I am going to need a lot of help in order to cope with this reality and help me from the depression I will have. I hope I can shake this mood I've been in and get back to being positive.

-Kate

A minor detour

Thought I would give you and update on our doctor visit from yesterday.  Well you can add not producing follicles to my list of reasons why we haven't become pregnant yet!  At this point its almost humorous what my body is or isn't doing to allow us to start a family.  It wasn't a big blow this time when we were told here is another hoop you are going to have to jump through.  I didn't cry or deem yesterday as a bad day.  I just think I have the expectation that there will be something wrong ( I know, I know that isn't me trying to be positive but its the truth!) at each doctor visit.

I guess I should explain what all went down at this visit.  I had a scan done again on both of my ovaries and uterus.  My uterus looked great and my walls were thick and healthy.  My ovaries didn't have any cysts or abnormal growths on them which was great to hear.  But the one thing that was missing was the growth of my follicles.  I guess I had two follicles that she saw last Friday and was hoping to see some improvement in them by Monday.  Sadly they hadn't changed at all.

So our new game plan is to start taking some fertility meds to see if I can get my body to stimulate proper follicle growth.  I am being put on the lowest dosage with the thought of my history of cysts.  I don't have the name of the medication in front of me at the moment but next month when I start taking it I will write about it for you all.  I didn't have any luck with Clomid so they aren't making me take that again.  I will be getting scans this time to make sure I am not developing cysts!!

Here is our game plan for next month:

-Start medication in hopes that it stimulates follicle growth
-On day 11 get a scan to see if there are any changes from last month
-If day 11 doesn't look good I will come back in on day 13 for a scan
-If I have great follicle growth then we will start the IUI process this month (as in February)
-If there is no change in follicle growth from last month (January) then we will up the dosage as long as there are no signs of cyst growth
-Start the same process over in March

We will do this cycle for 3 months.  We did not discuss what the next step would be if we didn't achieve anything during those months.  I am hoping that we wont need to discuss that at all.  This month is pretty much a waste but our tech told us we can still try to time our intercourse if we want.  But it is very unlikely for us to become pregnant this month according to my scans. That is all the info I have for now so like always I will keep you all up to date with my posts.

-Kate

The Follicle Search

So we had our doctor visit on Friday and we did our scan on my ovaries and uterus.  Unfortunately there was nothing to see during the scan.  We knew that there might be a chance of this because of the day of my cycle I was on.  I needed the scan on day 9 or 10 and of course on Friday it was day 8 of my cycle.  With this in mind we scheduled a 2nd appointment for Monday just incase the tech couldn't see what they were looking for.

Which leads to the question: What are they looking for during these scans??  The tech and doctor are looking for follicle growth.  When I think follicle I think hair and so I was envisioning a hair or line in or around my fallopian tube.  Yeah not so much!  I still don't really understand what I am looking for (thank goodness the tech does!) even after googling ultrasound pictures.  Here is a link that explains what follicle growth is and why its important. http://www.advancedfertility.com/anovulat.htm
I need to add that on this site it talks about PCOS and I DO NOT have that! It just shows the difference between what it looks like when you have healthy follicle growth and what it looks like when it does not happen.

At this point we do not know if I am having any issues with my follicle growth or not.  Dr. Swanson just wants to cross that off the list of reasons why we still haven't become pregnant yet.  But if that is the issue he can prescribe some medication to help with developing better follicle growth.

Best case scenario for Monday is they see follicle growth and its proper length they will prescribe a trigger shot for me to pick up at the pharmacy.  Depending on the scan I will be instructed to take the shot either on Monday or Tuesday.  I will have to give myself a shot in my belly (not too pumped for this one!).  The point of the trigger shot is to allow me to ovulate earlier or on time.  Why is time such a big deal?  Well Preston leaves for Key West for two weeks right around the time that I will ovulate.  And there is no sense in wasting this month if things are looking up for us.  Here is some more info on what a trigger shot is:http://www.justmommies.com/getting-pregnant/fertility-medications-and-natural-supplements/hcg-trigger-shot

I will update you all again next week what happened at our visit on Monday.

-Kate

Keeping Positive!

We had our doctor visit yesterday and it wasn't a bad visit but it wasn't an outstanding visit either.  I was going in with the thought that we could get the ball rolling for IUI.  Preston and I are both very frustrated and ready for a break.  I have all my info gathered for the appointment and pictures taken of all medications we have at the house for IUI (we have the medicine at our house from when we thought we were going to start IUI last spring).  I figured it would be helpful with our appointment if I was able to tell and show him the meds we already have.

So when I started giving out the info about the cycles since I have had since last time we saw Dr. Swanson.  He was very concerned that my cycles have been out of whack.  The 1st cycle after my surgery was 1 week early because of the medication I was on right after the surgery.  Then cycle number 2 was 22 days long.  And cycle number 3 was 28 days and we are still not sure what this cycle holds for us.  He wants to make sure everything is working correctly and there isn't another underlying issue that we have not seen until now.  So we hare currently having a waiting game right now to see if and when my cycle will start.  Right now it is looking like I will be having a regular 28 day cycle.  When my cycle does start this month I am supposed to call the doctor's office to set up and ultrasound appointment.  Dr. Swanson wants to make sure my eggs are looking good and that my uterus lining is thick.  If he sees any issues he will more than likely have me start taking fertility medicine again to help with any issues.

So now the game plan is to see what the ultrasound shows and if I have 3 successful cycles (meaning eggs and uterus looks good on top of a normal 28 day cycle) and we are unsuccessfully able to become pregnant then we will start IUI.  

Also we found out some interesting information about what we have been doing wrong when it comes to of ovulation plan.  We have always been told we are to have intercourse every other day until I have ovulated.  From what we understood was the reasoning behind this was to make sure the sperm count would be good and the volume would be good as well.  Dr. Swanson basically told us that holds no real truth.  He said anytime we have intercourse before I ovulate is just practice.  The only two days that really matter are the day of ovulation and the day after.  So we will be sticking to that plan from now on.

I also have been trying to keep more positive thoughts this month.  One of our new girls at work and I have spoken about why its really important to stay positive and not negative.  Basically it was broken down to me the more negative I am about my situation the more stress I am causing on myself.  I have never thought of how a negative attitude could cause stress on my body.  So I have really made sure that I let things roll off me and not dwell on things.

-Kate

2014

As I have been enjoying my weekend and reading many posts on Facebook I've noticed a lot of people saying they can't wait for 2014.  Some of the people are excited about the next year and others are complaining about how horrible of a year 2013 has been for them.  So it got me thinking about what has 2013 brought us this past year.  I really can't complain about anything at all.

2013 has brought me:

-A job that I desperately needed to help with our finances.  Not only did I get a job but within less than a year I moved up twice to a better position at the gym.  I am now a full time employee with benefits and a pay raise.

-Lasik surgery for Preston and now he can see so much better and he even gets to wear sunglasses like everyone else.  He owns more sunglasses than I would like to  know about!

-Preston moved up a rank in the Navy.  He has also accomplished so much this year with the different tasks that have been thrown at him.  I can't even begin to list all the things he has done at work mainly because I forget all the names of them! I know I am bad wife for not knowing them but I am so proud of him.

-Seeing all the beauty this state has to offer for us.  From the Sequoia trees to the beautiful blue Pacific ocean.  We visited some pretty amazing places this year and I know we have a lot of other really amazing places to visit yet next year!

-My brother proposing to Julia and the their upcoming wedding in April.  I cannot wait for Julia to be part of our family.  She has fit in with us since day 1 of meeting her!  Preston has yet to meet her but I am sure they will hit it off right away.

-Being able to fly home and surprise my mother after she retired from teaching.  I was such and emotional wreck that weekend because I knew my visit was very short and I wanted to be with my family longer.  I am so grateful for my father for thinking of me and paying for me to fly home for this important moment in my mother's life.

-Meeting new people.  I have met so many wonderful people this year!  I am grateful for a job that allows me to interact with people on this base.  I am so social by nature that I love meeting and talking to different people.

-A visit from Preston's parents and sister! We discovered that we need to not spend an entire week in a car! Next year we have decided to go to one location and spend a few days there instead of cramming in all of California must sees in one week!  My mother in law finally beat me in dominos for the 1st time in sometime (It doesn't really help that we only get to play it once a yr if we are lucky!).

-I had two surgeries that have helped me to discover why we haven't be able to become pregnant.  We also have met the most wonderful Dr. and have fallen in love with him.

-We have paid off two bills that we have been working hard on!

-Preston has discovered he can do a lot of our car maintenance himself and has saved us a lot of money by him doing so.

-Many of my friends and family have had babies or are waiting of their arrival of their soon to be children.  I am very excited for their arrivals and to one day meet them!

I could keep going but I know I would be sitting here all day listing things off.  The fact of the matter is even though Preston and I don't have a child and aren't pregnant doesn't mean that it was a horrible no good very bad year for us.  I know that most of my posts are depressing and sad but I mostly just focus on our trying to become parents.  Life isn't really that bad at all.  Most day I am happy with everything.  I just thought it would be nice for people to know that we are okay and thankful for everything that has happened to us this year.  I know next year will be just as amazing if not better.  I know that no matter what we will have horrible heartbreaking days but those days will be out shined by the happier days we will have.

So with that I hope you all have Happy Holidays and an amazing new year because we will be doing just that!

-Kate

Pressure

I don't have time to blog in great detail about this month because I am leaving for work in a few minutes.

This month I started using the wondfo ovulation test strips and it wasn't really hard to use at all.  I highly recommend this product to anyone who is in the process of trying to become pregnant.  I started getting worried if I was going to be able to properly read the strips once it came close to my ovulation time this month.  According to my app on my phone I was supposed to ovulate on a Tuesday but I actually ovulated on a Wednesday and my strip let me know by giving me a big fat two bright pink lines.  I was really excited that day because it was the first time after my surgery that I have gotten a correct ovulation test and I wasn't freaking out why I was getting a smiley face everyday or wasting my money.

Even though I ovulated this month and knew exactly what day it was there was nothing I could do with it.  Preston was on the boat during my ovulation time for a week.  We knew that becoming pregnant this month would be slim to none.  We followed protocol for the week of ovulation as best as we could.  But when your partner is not around on the days close to ovulation you know nothing will happen.  I know that sperm can survive up to 3 days but lets be honest with my track record the odds were against us.  I did have the tiniest hope that things would actually workout for us.

I was actually two days late this month and was starting to get my hopes up but reality brought me back down from my high.  I am not pregnant.  I am not as devastated as I was last month but it doesn't get any easier.  I know I have a lot of people who are really interested and are in our corner and want the best for us but I am going to have to discuss something with you all.  I love that we have such great support from our family and friends but I am going to have to ask you in the kindest way I can to please stop with asking for blog updates, if I have started my period, or if we have thought about starting the adoption process.  It is hard enough for me to get through the day some days because I just want to quit because all I want is to start my family.  What I don't need is the feeling of pressure on me.  I know that is not the intention of anyone but the fact of the matter is that is what is happening to me.  I will update you when I am ready to blog about how things are going.  I WILL NOT announce my pregnancy the day it happens on this blog or facebook.  I believe that is something very personal and our family will be the first to know.  Please do not take this personally its just getting harder and harder on me.  Also please don't feel that you can't ask how things are going.  I don't mind answering questions at all!!

-Kate