Dead End

It's been awhile since I've last written on here. For a while there wasn't anything to write about because Preston was on the boat and I couldn't do much without him physically being here.  But now there is literally nothing to write about.  We are currently at a dead end.

Before I get into that I am proud to say that my Thirty-One party/ fundraiser went pretty  darn well.  We were able raise around $500 which is beyond amazing! We are very blessed to have some pretty awesome family, friends, and to be honest people who didn't even know us participate.

Once Preston came home in May we dove head first into our paperwork.  We had our wills drawn up.  Asked friends and co-workers to write letters of recommendation.  Gathered more documents about ourselves for our files. And lastly we set up our future child's room. I was kind of hesitant about setting up the room because I felt like it was bad luck to do this  before we were even matched. But we have read that it helps when the social worker comes to visit for the home study.

Speaking of home study our goal was to have $3000 saved up by July so we could start our home study and get the ball rolling with getting matched. Well about two weeks ago I received a call from our agency and they wanted to see how we were doing.  Turns out I was speaking with our placement worker. So after chatting with her about our concerns about us moving next winter she suggested we wait till we pick orders and know where we will be going before we move forward with a home study. For those of you who don't know a home study is only valid in the current household you are living in. So every time we move we would need a new one before our child is in our custody.  Well it's not like $100 here and there for a home study. In our county it is $3000. Clearly wasting that money if we were to move before we had custody of our child is not fiscally smart.

Therefore as I stated earlier we are at a dead end until we move next year.  Obviously that gives a lot more time to save up money and a smaller loan being taken out.  But it's the excruciating pain of another year without a child in our lives.  It's hard enough that we have given up the dream of our biological child but to have stomach another year without this child who has been my drive the last five months is just beyond depressing.  It never gets easier every time we hit a "bump in the road".  I question myself all the time about are we really supposed to be parents.  I feel like this is the universes way of saying "hello take a hint already"!

So for now we will continue to save our money and I will keep our baby`s room door closed.  I need something to distract me until February.

-Kate

Getting Personal

I thought I'd do an update!  Well our contract was accepted and we are on to the next stage which has multiple stages to it.  We are currently filling out a packet that requires basic information that we have already filled out at least three or four times already.  But now we are required to submit copies of things such as our marriage licenses, birth certificates, W2's, tax forms, layout of our house, pay stubs, and a whole lot more stuff!  I have a huge chunk of it done but there is a lot we have to be patient and wait on.  Preston and I need our doctor to sign off on a form saying that we are healthy people.  But my doctor left for a family emergency and I couldn't get into the clinic until next week.  Preston on the other hand has to jump through a lot of hoops to see his corpsman.  Who knows when he will get someone to sign off on his paperwork.  Another thing we have to have is a will.  So tomorrow we get to venture to the lovely legal office with our favorite receptionist.  Fingers crossed she isn't working tomorrow!!  I am trying to get everything together before Friday morning.  On Friday Preston leaves for 6 weeks.  I want to get this packet in because once this is in we are one step closer to getting matched.

Another step I have been working on is our view book.  A view book is a photo book about us (essentially a scrap book) so that the birth mother is able to get to know us and have a choice in who her child is going to live with.  I am 90% done with it minus a few grammatical errors that I need to fix and add a few more pictures.  The hardest thing I have to do is write a letter to our potential birth mother.  I have no idea what to say to her that wont come across as stereotypical.  I want it to come from the heart.  I've googled some examples and read some blogs about what to say and what not to say.  I just want our book to stand out and that our birth mother will understand our personality.

On top of gathering all of our personal information and creating a view book I have been talking to two home study agencies.  And man oh man is this going to be expensive!! I about had a panic attack the other day.  For us to do our home study and post placement interviews it will come to a grand total of $6,651.  This also includes some education classes we will have to take on top of the ones we are already doing for our agency and some legal matters for the state.  Our new game plan is that we will be doing nothing from here on out!  Well sort of.  We agreed we are not going to eat out at all on non-payday weekends.  On payday weekends we can do ONE fun thing and eat out ONCE.  So to all of our friends if it seems like we are becoming hermits and turning you down we are sorry.  We are trying everything in our power to save as much money as we can.  I thought that we would be able to start our home study in May when Preston gets back from the boat but I don't think that will be possible.  So the new goal is to start it in July.  It kind of makes me sad because that will potentially push back our adoption but I want to make sure we are able to financially do this.

On a side note one of Preston's cousin's is doing a Thirty-One party for us right now.  She is AMAZINGLY not taking any of the profit from this party.  Any of the profit that she makes from the party she will be donating to us!! She is truly amazing to do this for us and we are forever grateful that she has offered this to us.  If you would like to participate in this event please message me.  I have added a few people but I didn't want to add a ton of people to this event because I don't want people to feel like that they are obligated to purchase anything.  So far we have had a great turnout and the party just started on Monday.

As always I will continue to keep you updated on everything!

-Kate

Approved

Well its been a few weeks since I've done an update so I figured tonight would be a great night for one!  Last update I said that we would be closing our Go Fund Me page but I guess I didn't understand how it really worked.  I thought once you did a withdrawal you had to close your page.  Well that isn't the case at all!  So we will keep that page open if you are interested.  And to be honest we wouldn't of been able to get this far without the help from all of our amazing family and friends out there!  Saying thank you isn't even enough!  

When I last gave our update we were just submitting our application.  Since then we have been accepted by our agency!  We both were thrilled with this news.  The next step was getting a sample contract that we were to go over and call our social worker if we had any questions about it.  After reading an 11 page contract we had a few questions.  Before I go into the questions or any further I think I need to clarify some information that I don't think I have really explained.

We will be doing an out of state adoption.  Which means we will not be doing an adoption from the state of California.  Why would we do that you might ask?  When we finally made the decision to adopt we googled top rated agencies and had an open mind to not adopting in the current state we lived in.  Yes that would be extremely convenient for us to do.  But we really wanted to go with an agency that was invested in both the birth parents and adoptive parents.  We also wanted to have a warm fuzzy feeling about our agency as well.  We did contact an agency located in Fresno, CA (Fresno is about 45 mins from us) but we never heard back from them.  So we took that as a big sign and did not further pursue that agency.  At this time we are not allowed to say what state we will be adopting from due to our contract.  But it is a southern state in the AMAZING SEC country! Sorry I had to throw that in there for Preston.

The next question we get asked quite often is how old will our child be?  We are actually adopting an infant.  And when I say infant we are talking he or she will be 1 or 2 days old.  Why not an older child?  We want this process to be as normal as it can be.  We want those sleepless nights, the teething cranky baby, the cute little baby wrinkles, and the opportunity to raise our child from day 1.

Remember how I said we will be adopting our baby from another state?  Well once our birth mother goes into labor we will get a phone call telling us to stand by.  Then another phone call once our child is born.  Lastly and most importantly the go ahead to come get our baby.  Our baby's birth mother has 72 hrs to either sign away her rights and or change her mind.  So for those 72 hrs after our child is born we will be on pins and needles because it does happen that once the baby is born the birth mother can change her mind.  Once we are given the go ahead we will have to book our flight and get to the hospital as soon as we can.  Then will pick up our baby at the hospital and live in a hotel for the next two weeks!  We will cannot cross state lines for at the max two weeks until we are given a court order stating we can leave the state.  I have been doing A LOT of research on traveling with a newborn on an air plane.  We will have to bring a lot of light weight items with us so it can be as "normal" as possible in those first 2 weeks in the hotel room.  A travel bassinet, just enough baby bottles, clothes for the 3 of us, something to bathe the baby with, and a whole lot more.  I get anxious about it all sometimes and then I am thankful that I am a type A personality and I will over prepare for this.

On Monday I asked our social worker a small list of questions and after she answered them I told her we were ready to move on and we would like the official contract.  On Tuesday we received our contract via email.  All we had to do was get everything notarized and signed.  On Wednesday we went to legal to have the contracted looked at and it notarized.  I honestly thought it would be a quick and smooth thing to do.  Boy was I wrong!  For some reason the lady who did all the notarizing in the legal office did not like us at all.  She gave Preston a super hard time about his drivers license and told him he was a liar about Ohio's law with active duty members not having to update their drivers license if they are not able to go back to the state to do so.  Then she didn't want to notarize our contract because it had the wrong date on it.  We were given the contract on the 9th and we went into the office on the 11th.  I later found out that she had no clue what she was talking about.  Apparently it doesn't matter what date was on the contract.  So an hour and half later we were good to go.  Preston went home right away and wrote a check to our agency and sent out contract along with it.  The contract fee is $2,500.  That seems like a lot of money but from here on out it just gets more and more expensive.

The next three steps will be getting activated into the waiting pool, starting to get our view book together, and our home study.  I am not too sure about how much the view book will cost but I know its something we will be ordering from Shutterfly.  The home study will be the longest process we have to do.  And boy will it be tricky to fit it in.  Preston leaves in two weeks for a 6 week boat det.  When he returns he will be home for a month and then leaves again for another 6 weeks.  So fingers crossed we can do this quickly.  From what we have researched a home study in the state of California can cost any where from $1,000-$2,500.  So in an effort to save as much money as possible we have dropped our cable package to the lowest you can go, got rid of our fun subscriptions to birtchbox,  have agreed that we wont eat out on the weekends, and whatever is leftover in our account after each paycheck we put directly into our savings.  My hope is that we will have a good chunk of our home study money saved by the time he gets home from the boat.  As for the rest of the fees: $7,000 once we are matched with our birthmother and $7,000 once the baby is born and we have been given the rights to our child.  Then after placement we will have to have a social worker come check on us to make sure everything is going well.  I believe that is another $2,000 for that service.  So needless to say once we are approved from home study we will be applying for as many grants as we can.

Our contract is supposed to get to our agency tomorrow (Friday) at some point.  So let the craziness begin!

-Kate

Application

Well it's that time again for an update!  Things have been going pretty good for once.  I swear since we have made the decision to do adoption my outlook on life has changed drastically.  Preston just told me on Sunday he has seen a huge change in my mood.  

On Friday Preston and I will be taking the first step towards adoption.  We will be submitting our application to our agency.  We have been saving money each month and we feel we have enough in our savings to start moving forward.  Another reason why we are moving forward is because of Preston's upcoming workups.  Pretty soon he will be leaving for about 6 weeks for a boat det.  After that det he will be home here and there throughout the summer but we want to be able to do our home study and classes we will have to take in order to adopt.  So the application isn't really anything too hard to fill out.  Just basic questions such as our wedding date, where we work, how much we make, if we have any children, divorces, illnesses, and a few more random questions.  We also will have to provide a photo of ourselves for our file and a check for $300 for the application fee. 

Today I spoke to our social worker because even though our application asked simple questions I of course started stressing out about the idea our application getting denied.  I was also kind of worried because we don't have a huge amount in our savings.  Don't get me wrong we have money in there but we couldn't go out and put a big downpayment on a new car with the amount we have.  Of course I was stressing out over nothing.  Our social worker almost laughed when I asked her if we were going to get denied.  She told us as long as we submit everything we will get accepted.  I guess this small step is just a way to show that you are serious about adoption and you are ready to move onto the next step.  She told me amazingly enough there are people who get denied all the time because they don't attach the photo or don't send in the money.  So I immediately felt better about everything and kind of wished I would of called her a day earlier when I was having a meltdown about everything.  

So what is the next step?  Once the main office gets our application and the check clears we will be given a sample of their contract and we will review it and once all questions have been answered and we feel good about it we can sign it and go live in the waiting pool of parents.  Exciting right?!?!  Oh wait Preston and I completely forgot that there was a contract fee of $2,500.  So that's where our Gofundme page comes into play.  We will be closing our page after we get accepted into the agency.  We will be using the funds from that page and what we have in savings to pay for the contract fee.  We will continue to save money in order to pay for our home study which will cost around $2,000.  My goal is to save a good chunk of money while Preston is gone for 6 weeks.  I don't really eat too much when he is gone so my meals will go a long way.  I also don't do anything really exciting when he is gone either so hopefully we will be close to being able to pay for the home study.

Preston and I would like to take the time thank everyone who has donated money to our Gofundme page.  We wouldn't be able to do any of this without ALL of you!  All we have been able to think about for the last 4 1/2 years is to be able to start a family and that dream is starting to come true.  We know we have a really long road ahead of us with loans, trying to apply for grants, and save as much money as we can.  But the thought of finally holding our child motivates us every day.  The other day I sent Preston a text saying I would eat pb&j every day if it means we are able to save up money and have our child and his response was he would do the same but just eat ramen noodles everyday.  

As always I will continue to update you all on everything.  

-Kate

Surprise

As promised here is a rather lengthy update!

In December I wrote to you all about our big move and Preston getting out of the Navy.  Well as you all may know from yesterday's Facebook post Preston reenlisted for 4 more years.  I know crazy considering of our plan to get out and move closer to family and starting our lives over in the civilian world again.  Well one mid January day when I was at work freaking out over our move and no job leads coming Preston's way in walks into the gym Preston's CO.  I have a pretty good relationship with his CO from my involvement with the FRG (Family Readiness Group) so it isn't too unusual that we would chat with one another when we see each other.  He asked how things were going and how he was upset that the command was loosing a great AT (his rate).  I told him how I was freaking out and then at some point blurted out asking him if it was too late for him to stay in.  He asked was Preston having second thoughts and I told him no but I was.  He said he would see what he could do.  Well the following week Preston came home from work and we had that evening to decide if he would stay in the Navy or get out.  There was a 50/50 chance big Navy was going to say nope sorry or yes.  We also faced if big Navy said yes he could go to the needs of the Navy aka we would have to move to a duty station that needed an AT position to fill or he could change commands also.  Everything worked out pretty smoothly.  Big Navy said yes and he was able to stay with his current command for the next year.  After his year contract is up with his current command he will get to choose his shore duty orders and there is a possibility we will move to a new duty station a year from now.

Once Preston got the okay that he would be staying in my first conversation to him was okay we need to do IVF now!  The plan was to save up as much of our moving allowance that the Navy was going to give us from our move so we could have a huge chunk in our savings while we tried to find a new doctor.  Well we never moved so we didn't have that huge chunk of change saved up.  I called my IVF doctors office and told them that we didn't move and we really wanted to do IVF and soon.  So they faxed over to me the dates that they had available for IVF cycles, break down of costs, and how to get financed.  I don't know if we were half listening the 1st time we went to his office and the nurse rattled off all the different procedures and their costs or what but it was huge shock to us that we thought it was $15,000 to do IVF but in all reality it was really $20,000.  After taking a moment to swallow that pill we started crunching the numbers and figured out a way that we could possibly do this.  It would take us 5 years to pay everything off but there was a way.  So we took the 1st step and applied for the medical loan.  The website stated you will find out if you get your loan in 60 seconds!  Well two days later and many phone calls later we found out we were denied the loan.  We felt really down knowing that there was no way we could do this.  After bursting into tears (only me not Preston) knowing this was our last chance at having children and all the excitement building up to this moment.  I really thought in my heart that we were going to do this.  After a few moments of crying I told Preston I am done.  I don't want to do this any more.  We can go to counseling and just live our lives as non-parents.

I walked around like a zombie for a the next few days feeling empty inside.  Until my mom and I had a conversation about everything.  She suggested the idea of adopting a baby.  I told her there is no way we can do that and we have no interest in doing a foster to adopt program because with our luck we would get a baby fall in love with them and 6 months later have to give them back because some family member was able to obtain custody of them.  My mom told me no not adoption through the county but from back home in Ohio.  She suggested to talk to a lawyer friend of theirs to see if she could point us in the right direction.  So I spoke to Preston about the idea of adopting a baby from back home and he was on board with me.  My dad gave me the number for the lawyer and I didn't waste a moment and called her right away.  Of course it was on a Friday afternoon when I did this so I had to wait a very long weekend to hear back from her.  Turns out she doesn't do anything close to adoptions and had no idea how to help us in that department.  I was not thrown off by this at all.  I was a woman on a mission.  The next phone call I made was to Preston's sister who is a social worker back in Ohio.  She was able to point me in the right direction of what to look for and what look out for in terms of agencies.  She herself had very little knowledge of what place to start looking at.  She is more familiar with the foster to adopt program.

Over the next week I researched top ranked adoption agencies and read through all their pages and different links that they provided.  Some of them I really liked and there were a few that I just did get a good feeling about.  The ones that  I got a good feeling about I requested information back from them and then Preston and I would review what they sent to us.  After many phone calls with our social worker and even a webinar we have chosen our agency.  Due to privacy reasons we will not be revealing what agency we are using.

So our big announcement is WE ARE ADOPTING!!!!!!

We both feel very good about this decision.  For me I feel as if a weight has be lifted off of me and my mood has changed drastically.  I haven't been this happy in a long time.  I finally feel as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  We talk about our future child all the time and we just can't wait to meet them.  I have no doubt in my mind and heart that moment we meet our child we will instantly fall in love him or her.

A huge misconception about adoption is the price.  Many people think that it costs only few thousand as in maybe the $6,000 range.  NOPE  We thought it would be in the $20,000 range but NOPE!  Adoptions start off at around $30,000 to $50,000.  So we have been strapping down and saving as much money as we can each month.  The application fee is $300 just to get accepted to our agency.  Then the next step is a home study which is in the $2,000 price range.  Once our home study is done  we can start applying for grants but most of the grants have to be submitted once a quarter.  Luckily our agency has a finance person who is top rated in the adoption world with helping out in writing grants and helping you budget for everything.

I could go on longer with this update but it is getting rather lengthy now!  I will continue with small updates with the process.  As of right now we have not started anything yet.  We are putting some more money aside each paycheck in order to get the ball rolling.  But like always we are on a small window of opportunity.  Preston's command is in the middle of workups and we are trying to get this home study done asap so I can do the rest without needing him for interviews or other super important things that we cannot do unless we are both there.

-Kate

Let's Catch Up

Sorry, I am really bad about keeping up with blogging.  I guess I would blog more if I actually had anything to report.  A lot has happened since I have last written on here.  So let me catch you up with everything that is going on.

I think it was almost 2 months ago when we went to our IVF doctor.  We were finally going to get the results from all the blood work I had done in July.  After a very long wait and I mean LONG WAIT our doctor came in and went over everything.  My FSH levels are not where they need to be but they aren't super low that we need to be concerned with at this point.  My levels read at a 10.6 at the moment I can not find the average FSH level for a "normal" 30 yr ord female.  I was able to find it like 2 months ago when we left the doctors office but today I can't.  For those of you who don't speak fertility FSH stands for follicle stimulating hormone.  FSH is a hormone produced by the pituitary gland.  FSH levels tells my body to produce eggs for ovulation.  At this time I was also suffering pretty bad back pain that I thought might be because of my endometriosis coming back.  At this point it had been a year since I had my last surgery to remove my cysts and endometriosis.  I had hear of people who have to continue to have to have surgeries to stay on top of the growth.  So we asked our doctor about his thoughts on having another surgery to stay on top of everything and his suggestion is that I should not have any more surgeries and in fact get pregnant as soon as we can.  He is very concerned that if I have any more surgeries it might hurt my chances of getting pregnant with IVF.  My last surgery where Dr. Swanson removed the last bit of my cyst there was quite a bit of scar tissue on my right ovary and he believes if I have another surgery it could do harm to that ovary.

I am going to take a break from this doctor visit and explain some other news.  Preston has decided to get out of the Navy.  He has been contemplating this move for quite some time now.  After many talks of the pros and cons of getting out we decided that it would be the best for both of us.  I can finally pursue a career and start making some money at a non dead end job and he could use all the skills he learned in the Navy and do the same.  With that being said we had to make a decision about IVF.  Our doctor said we could do IVF in January but all 3 of us decided that would be a horrible idea.  I would literally be getting the treatment done the week we moved.  There is no way I would be calm and relaxed for this.  When we do IVF I need to be completely STRESS FREE.  If you know me you are probably laughing right now.  Kate stress free??? HA HA HA!  But for real to be stress free and relaxed as we drive across country and start all over again is not in the cards.  This does make me sad that we are putting our family on hold yet again but I believe it is for the best.  I need to get out of the valley with its horribly water and air.  So our doctor said to call him once we know where we are moving to and he will help us find a new doctor.

As of today we are not 100% sure where we will be moving to.  Preston went to a job fair last week with a head hunter company and has gotten a lot positive responses from everyone he interviewed with.  Hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday we will know more.  We will be moving at the end of January.  Even though it will be winter when we move which is not the ideal time to move cross country it is for us.  A lot of friends are either getting out or transferring stations at that time.

One thing I am really struggling with here lately is the holidays.  It's always hard to be away from family at this time but this year I am having an even harder time.  I think its because its another year without children.  I really thought that we would have a baby or be pregnant this year.  It is getting harder and harder every year not being able to start traditions with our children.  Or seeing everyone posting pictures of kids with santa or decorating their house.  I haven't even decorated for any holidays this year.  We didn't even carve pumpkins for Halloween and if you know us we absolutely love Halloween.  Christmas is a close 2nd for me and that comes from my mother and her love of decorating the whole house.  Christmas music instantly makes me in a bad mood.  I've been called a grinch at work all month but it's just so hard to get in the spirit.  I just told my mom yesterday day that I haven't even put up a Christmas tree this year.  So to everyone that has had to deal with my bad mood I am sorry but its just hard this year.  The holidays are almost over and I will go back to normal soon.

I'll try my best to not lack in my updates.

-Kate

HSG test

Well my projected timeline of getting my HSG test done was surprisingly faster than I thought. I called the OBGYN clinic when I was 10 days out from my cycle starting and magically they were able to book my appointment. I honestly thought that this was going to be a battle.

On the 26th of September I had my procecure done. By no means was it a pleasent procedure or smooth day. I decided to not take time off from work to get the test done. My thoughts were since I wasn't going to be on any pain medication I should be fine. Boy was I wrong!

My day at the clinic started at 8am to take a pregnancy test. Then I had to come back an hour later for the procedure. I met Preston in the hall of the hospital and we both walked down to radiology to check in. As I am checking in the front desk tells me that they are pretty sure the HSG test was never ordered. They ask me to sit down and wait and they will double check. Big tears start to form in my eyes and I start getting upset and I begin to tell Preston that if I have to reschedule for next month I'm going to loose it. After 30 minutes they were able to scramble everything together to make sure that I was able to get my test done. I thanked the corpsman for being able to do this for me.

Once I was in my awesome gown and finally in the room I had an awkward moment with a female corpsman. We were both waiting for the doctor to get there. So I made the mistake of making eye contact with her. She then smiles and then asks "so your trying to become pregnant?" (Insert awkward laugh)   My response: "yes."  Corpsman: "oh I have two children." (Insert awkward laugh)  From that point on I avoided eye contact until the doctor came in.

Once my doctor arrived he informed me that we are going to have to get creative. Reason being there were no leg stirrups. So he had me lay down on my back and put my legs like I am doing the butterfly stretch. At one point he was trying to get me to have my knees touch the table and tells me to lay like I'm at the beach. My reply was I don't ever lay like this at the beach. By now my legs are bouncing because one I never lay like this and two I'm a ball of nerves.

I won't go into more details about what happed because thats a tad bit too much. But what I will say is if you are going to have this procedure done I highly recommend speaking to your doctor about some pain medication epically if you don't have a high pain tolerance. If you want to know all the details about the procedure feel free to google it. (http://www.advancedfertility.com/hsg.htm)

I tried my best to not cry or let anyone know I was in pain. But at one point it was too much and I yelled and I also yelled a few curse words. Hands down that has been the worst thing I've had to endure through the past 4 years. The sad thing is I've had it done 2 other times. In my defense the 1st time I was on pain meds and the  2nd time I was knocked out because they did it during one of my surgeries.

Fast forward one week and I had to call the clinics Lt nonstop all morning to get her to pick up the phone. After the 11th attempt I was able to speak with her. I asked her to read me my results from the test. Everything came back normal.

-Kate

Jumping through the hoops yet again

As promised here is my update from the past two weeks of doctor visits and phone calls. As much as I wish I could say that things went smoothly they of course didn't. I swear everything I do always has to be difficult. Even in my everyday tasks I somehow make things more difficult than they need to be. Must be my theme in life lol.

Back to my visit to the base clinic. I was given the new navy doctor to the clinic. I swore they were messing with me because his name is Talc and my last provider was Ta. So at first I heard Ta and not Talc and I was pretty confused until they said his name again.  His last duty stat was in VA and he worked witn a lot of infertility patients there so that made me feel a lot better having him as a doctor. We jumped right into where we were currently with our journey and gave a super quick summary of all the medications, surgeries,  tests, and procedures I've done in the past 4 yrs. I explained why I needed the HSG test done again and why I needed it done by the base.  He agreed that it was a great idea to get it done for free instead of paying $350 out of pocket.

In the same breath he suggested we contact San Diego to see if I could get into their fertility clinic for the simple reason of how much money we would save. We explained that last year we were told that they weren't seeing dependents patients at that time. He suggested that we try again. Preston and I instantly began to get excited that maybe something good was going to happen to us. The doctor gave us the phone number and Preston planned on calling as soon as we left.

The next step was for me to call back to the base clinic when my cycle started so we could schedule my HSG test. Which at that point was going to be in a few days. Surprise surprise I started 2 days early and it was after hours on Friday. So I called on Monday morning and I was told they would call me back after checking my doctors schedule and radiologists schedule. On Tuesday afternoon I received a call asking if I was on day 5 of my cycle which I was.  Can you guess what day of my cycle this test needs to be on??? You guessed it day 5! So this month is shot and after giving them a prediction of my next day 5 cycle my doctor will be in surgery that day. And apparently it won't matter what day cycle day 5 lands on he will be busy. So my suggestion was to send me out to Fresno to the place I did my 1st HSG test done. Nope not a choice because the clinic is able to do it in house.

So I am frustrated because yet again I am going to have to wait for them to have a free schedule. Which at this point won't be until at least October. And let's face it they are going to find something that will need to be fixed and that will push back the possibility of IVF. And if we don't do IVF soon we might not be able to do it until next year. Preston's command is getting ready for work ups for their big deployment next summer. So the more we put things off the less likely we are to be able to try for a family any time soon. If I haven't mentioned that I am freaked out by my age and trying to have children. So if we have to wait till his work ups and 10 month deployment I will be 32 and during in the mix of all that we will hopefully be at a new duty station which means finding a new base doctor and then a new fertility clinic doctor as well. So there could very well be another birthday in between that time which means I would be 33. I know people have babies in their 30's but I didn't want my 1st to be that late in life because I know of all the risks that come with having children once you hit your mid 30's.

Okay enough of my ramblings about my weird obsession with numbers. I just wish I was done jumping through the hoops. I think 4 yrs of heartbreak is enough. On a side note I feel beyond blessed that our families and friends have donated $800 so far!! I am shocked each time I receive an email giving me an update when we get a donation. Our page has been shared 63 times also. Every time we get a donation I feel like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. Thank you to everyone who have donated and have shared our story.

My plan is to contact the clinic tomorrow to see what they have came up with for a solution in order for me to be able to get an HSG done. Fingers crossed they actually pick up the phone and we don't have to play phone tag.


-Kate

My mission

I don't really have any big updates that I need to blog about. Right now we are continuing the process for the foster to adopt program. We have taken 3 out of the 9 classes we need for the foster pride program. So currently every Tuesday evening we spend 3hrs learning how to be a foster parent.   Mostly the classes are a crash course on child development and how to understand diversity.  For me it has been a refresher from all my education classes I took in college.

As for my ivf process I have gotten my blood work done that they requested. With this blood they are going to be able to see if my right ovary is still functioning. My next step is another hsg test to see if I healed properly from my septum surgery last fall. I am trying to save us $350 by getting it done on base. So I am jumping through the hoops and being patient. I have an appointment next week with one of the providers in the OB clinic.

Preston and I are considering using a website called Go Fund Me. If you haven't heard of the site it is essentially an online fundraiser. In the 4 yrs we have been on this journey we often get asked "How can we help"?  When Preston first brought up the idea of using this page I immediately shot him down. My fear is that people will view this like we are asking for a handout. I always worry about what others think even though I know I shouldn't.

One of the things that is pushing me to go ahead with the site is that I will be able share our journey. When I first started blogging it was a good outlet for me to express my feelings. I have been slightly selective on who was able to read this blog. At first I announced on Facebook that I started a blog and if you wanted to read it you needed to private message me. Then I would again announce that there were updates. And as of recently I have been blogging and not announcing about updates for privacy reasons. If we were to share our story on that site I would attach a link to this blog. My new goal is to educate people how common infertility really is. I cannot tell you how many of my friends have messaged me and shared with me about their infertility struggles. I want to inspire others to share their stories and have a voice. I find it crazy that 90% of insurance companies don't offer any coverage for infertility. Or that 1 in 8 couples are suffering with infertility. No matter what the outcome of our story is I will never forget how empty and incompetent I feel each month.

So if we do end up going public with everything I encourage you to share the page. Even if somehow you stumbled upon the site or my blog please share it. No one should feel like they are the only ones dealing with this.

Okay enough of my ramblings.

-Kate

What next?

Well its has been a few months since I've written an update. It partly had to do with the fact that I have been trying to keep things private and it also had to do with the fact I forgot what Preston's password was on here.  Honestly there really hasn't been anything worth blogging about.

I have completed 3 iui cycles which have not been successful at all. I was going to do a 4th cycle but my left ovary was loaded with cysts and I was put back onto birth control to help shrink them. On the visit I found out about the cysts it started off on a weird note. I was simply going in for a baseline scan to get approved to take my meds for the 4th cycle. Since it was a simple scan I told Preston he didn't have to go. I was greeted by the receptionist who I'm fairly certain things I am crazy with a "our policy has changed for scans and you will need to pay $100 upfront. Will this be a problem?"  I am dumbfounded that such a policy wasn't mailed to me or I wasn't given a phone call to let me know before I came in. So I pull out my credit card to find out they only take cash or checks. Really?!?! Who carries $100 in cash around with them? Clearly not this girl!  So I just had a gut feeling that this visit wasn't going to go well. Sure enough our favorite nurse was not working that day and it was the nurse who has no bedside manner. Long story short after finding out about the massive amount of cysts and having to go back on BC I ask why nothing is working for me. She looks at my chart and looks blankly back at me and tells me that I should be pregnant by now. Cue the water works from me. With no emotion hands me a tissue.

A few weeks later we met with doctor Swanson to go over everything since January. He agrees that I should be pregnant by now also. We find out that he will be referring us out to an ivf fertility specialist and good friend of his. He also orders a blood test to check my thyroid and my prolactin levels. Both of those tests came back normal.

We both have came to the agreement that we should consider adoption. Well to adopt a infant from a non profit agency out in California starts off at $25,000. For those of you who have seen the movie Juno I call bullshit because there is not such a thing of some teen who can't take care of her infant and just wants to give her baby up to a loving couple for free. So adoption is out of the question. We started working with the county but you have to foster to adopt. Which means you will get a poor baby who is drug exposed and hope that the family doesn't get their stuff in order so you can have a chance to adopt their baby.

Today we went to our 1st ivf appointment in Clovis. The facility was beautiful and the staff were very kind. Right off the bat I knew we were in trouble because they did not accept our insurance. I knew TriCare didn't cover ivf treatments but I didn't know they won't even cover office visits. Just for our consult today it was $130 and if we do ivf I will have to be seen any where from 5-7 times a month. Our new doctor was kind and spoke to us about what further testing he wants us to get done and how ivf works. I need to get another blood test done to see if my endometriosis surgries have done any damage to my right ovary. Our doctor seems to be concerned that during the surgeries my right ovary may have had been damaged. The 2nd test I need to get done is yet another hsg test. This will be the 3rd time getting this test done. He wants to make sure my septum healed correctly.

Here is when our day went from being optimistic to feeling defeated. In order to do ivf we will need to have either $15,000 or take out a loan for $15,000. We both know neither of those options will happen. I don't want to be in horrible debt and have a child or twins and not be able to provide for them like we should.

We are both mentally and physically drained from this whole process. It has been 4 yrs ans I feel like we haven't progressed at all. We have been very short with each other today and I had to leave work early because I snapped at a patron and didn't even realize it. My other co manager told me to take it down a notch and at that moment I asked if I could leave early. I know this is a very negative post but its so hard to stay positive anymore. We need something good to happen to us for once! We are constantly fignting this battle and I know it has made us stronger and more educated about infertility but we need a break!

With all that being said we are completely lost and have no idea what direction we will go with. Maybe we will walk away from all of it and learn to be a family of two and love our fur baby even more than we already do.

-

No IUI this month

I feel like the months are starting to blend together. As Preston and I sat talking on our drive up to Fresno yesterday we couldn't believe how fast the months have been going by. We couldn't remember if the last time we saw our doctor was in December or January. Normally this would be a good thing if you are looking forward to something. But in our case I feel like its a bad thing. The further and further we go on this infertility journey it is hard to stay positive that something good is going to come out of all this heartbreak and stess.

With this being said we have decided to seek held from a therapist. I will be calling one today so we can start this process. We need help with coping when we see babies or announcements of pregnancies. Like I said in the past I am genuinely happy for everyone but deep down inside I die each time and reminds me that we are no where close to even having that.  I think what a lot of people who haven't struggled with infertility don't understand how deep the pain really is for us.  We want things to be as normal as possible. This is why we have started to become more private about everything. This is just a place for me to express my feelings and helps relief stress as well. We want to be a normal couple who gets to surprise our famlies when we are pregnant and see the pure excitement on their faces. We want to make one of those cute announments you see on Pinterest.  We aren't becoming more private because we are being selfish or mean. We just wish everything was normal for us.

Okay enough on that rant. This month was pretty depressing. We ended up not doing iui because my follicle isn't really growing very much. The doctor would like us to have one that is in a 18-20 range. This month on my 1st scan I had a 16 on my left ovary and a 1 inch cyst on my right ovary. Both not very good stuff for trying to get pregnant. So we did a scan on Monday which was CD 11 for me and I was to come back on Wednesday for another scan on CD 13. Well I tested postive for an ovulation surge on Tuesday. My crazy self called the doctors office Tuesday afternoon after 2 tests to make sure I was seeing what I was really seeing. Left a message for the nurse to call me back. I never got a call. So we drove all the way to Fresno the next morning to see what we should do. I called the minute they opened and told them no one called me back only to find out that they did and left me a voice mail. So now I was the crazy lady calling. They were able to squeeze me in for a quick scan. We weren't sure if we wanted to do the iui if my follicle didn't grow much more. The scan showed that my cyst started to shrink on its own. But my follicle only grew 1 more mm. We decided that it was a waste of money to try this time.

So next month we will try the same game plan because I will not be able to come in on CD 1 or 2 to check on my cyst. They want to make sure it goes away. Then the following month( in June) if the iui doesn't work we will take all the letrozole on CD 3 because there has been some research that it really helps boost follicle growth.

That is all I have for now.

-Kate

Quick update

Sorry I've been quiet the last few months but we have decided it is easier to not talk about things lately. This whole experiance has been so excruciatingly painful and sometimes it's hard to write about or even having to talk about it a million times. So for now if I get the urge to blog I will but I will not be posting an update on to Facebook. So if you are reading this you are a smart cookie or a great stalker.

As of today we have completed 2 rounds of unsuccessful iui. Although I don't know if you can count roun 1 or not considering how small my follicle was and my cycle was super crazy. I'll get into that later.

 I have decided that we will give iui 2 more tries before I throw in the towel. After that I don't know what our next step will be. But whatever we choose please respect our choice. One thing I cannot and will not stand for are for others opinions. You have not been in our shoes and have no idea of the pain we have experienced in the past 3 plus years. We don't want to hear about a friends friend who was dealing with a similar situation and after they stopped trying they became pregnant.  Yes I still have people who say these things to me. I think this is why I don't want to be so open about our infertility journey any more.

So round 1 I was on 2.5mg of letrozole and I was able to produce a 15 mm follicle. I was told to go home and test for ovulation and if I ovulate before our next appointment I should call. Well much to our surprise I was ovulating that day. So we had to come back the next day to do iui. During a very long 2 week wait my cycle started 4 days early. I didn't cry I was just pissed that I was early.

Round 2 I was prescribed 5 mg of letrozole which proved to work much better because I produced a 17 mm follicle. I made sure I was testing before my appointment and I hadn't ovulated yet so at 6 PM that evening Preston had to give me hsg shot in my stomach. Well at 6PM I am at work so we got to do that in my break room. Well that took a whole 20 minutes for me to work up the courage to allow Preston to give me the shot. My coworkers reaction to seeing my husband holding a needle and me panicking was not the best. I had to give them a quick answer that I'm not on drugs and this was for iui. I had quite audience and people offering to give me the shot or to hold my hand. I really don't need to get into more detail about round 2 because as I stated already it was unsuccessful.  I was devastated when I took a pregnancy test. I cried in the shower and on the way to work.

I know it's important to stay positive or to envision our lives with a child. I really don't want to give iui another 2 tries because every time I die a little inside when it doesn't work. It's one of the worst feelings ever. I am beyond empty and numb. I am ready to start seeing a therapist because I know deep down inside that we won't be parents. I am going to need a lot of help in order to cope with this reality and help me from the depression I will have. I hope I can shake this mood I've been in and get back to being positive.

-Kate

A minor detour

Thought I would give you and update on our doctor visit from yesterday.  Well you can add not producing follicles to my list of reasons why we haven't become pregnant yet!  At this point its almost humorous what my body is or isn't doing to allow us to start a family.  It wasn't a big blow this time when we were told here is another hoop you are going to have to jump through.  I didn't cry or deem yesterday as a bad day.  I just think I have the expectation that there will be something wrong ( I know, I know that isn't me trying to be positive but its the truth!) at each doctor visit.

I guess I should explain what all went down at this visit.  I had a scan done again on both of my ovaries and uterus.  My uterus looked great and my walls were thick and healthy.  My ovaries didn't have any cysts or abnormal growths on them which was great to hear.  But the one thing that was missing was the growth of my follicles.  I guess I had two follicles that she saw last Friday and was hoping to see some improvement in them by Monday.  Sadly they hadn't changed at all.

So our new game plan is to start taking some fertility meds to see if I can get my body to stimulate proper follicle growth.  I am being put on the lowest dosage with the thought of my history of cysts.  I don't have the name of the medication in front of me at the moment but next month when I start taking it I will write about it for you all.  I didn't have any luck with Clomid so they aren't making me take that again.  I will be getting scans this time to make sure I am not developing cysts!!

Here is our game plan for next month:

-Start medication in hopes that it stimulates follicle growth
-On day 11 get a scan to see if there are any changes from last month
-If day 11 doesn't look good I will come back in on day 13 for a scan
-If I have great follicle growth then we will start the IUI process this month (as in February)
-If there is no change in follicle growth from last month (January) then we will up the dosage as long as there are no signs of cyst growth
-Start the same process over in March

We will do this cycle for 3 months.  We did not discuss what the next step would be if we didn't achieve anything during those months.  I am hoping that we wont need to discuss that at all.  This month is pretty much a waste but our tech told us we can still try to time our intercourse if we want.  But it is very unlikely for us to become pregnant this month according to my scans. That is all the info I have for now so like always I will keep you all up to date with my posts.

-Kate

The Follicle Search

So we had our doctor visit on Friday and we did our scan on my ovaries and uterus.  Unfortunately there was nothing to see during the scan.  We knew that there might be a chance of this because of the day of my cycle I was on.  I needed the scan on day 9 or 10 and of course on Friday it was day 8 of my cycle.  With this in mind we scheduled a 2nd appointment for Monday just incase the tech couldn't see what they were looking for.

Which leads to the question: What are they looking for during these scans??  The tech and doctor are looking for follicle growth.  When I think follicle I think hair and so I was envisioning a hair or line in or around my fallopian tube.  Yeah not so much!  I still don't really understand what I am looking for (thank goodness the tech does!) even after googling ultrasound pictures.  Here is a link that explains what follicle growth is and why its important. http://www.advancedfertility.com/anovulat.htm
I need to add that on this site it talks about PCOS and I DO NOT have that! It just shows the difference between what it looks like when you have healthy follicle growth and what it looks like when it does not happen.

At this point we do not know if I am having any issues with my follicle growth or not.  Dr. Swanson just wants to cross that off the list of reasons why we still haven't become pregnant yet.  But if that is the issue he can prescribe some medication to help with developing better follicle growth.

Best case scenario for Monday is they see follicle growth and its proper length they will prescribe a trigger shot for me to pick up at the pharmacy.  Depending on the scan I will be instructed to take the shot either on Monday or Tuesday.  I will have to give myself a shot in my belly (not too pumped for this one!).  The point of the trigger shot is to allow me to ovulate earlier or on time.  Why is time such a big deal?  Well Preston leaves for Key West for two weeks right around the time that I will ovulate.  And there is no sense in wasting this month if things are looking up for us.  Here is some more info on what a trigger shot is:http://www.justmommies.com/getting-pregnant/fertility-medications-and-natural-supplements/hcg-trigger-shot

I will update you all again next week what happened at our visit on Monday.

-Kate

Keeping Positive!

We had our doctor visit yesterday and it wasn't a bad visit but it wasn't an outstanding visit either.  I was going in with the thought that we could get the ball rolling for IUI.  Preston and I are both very frustrated and ready for a break.  I have all my info gathered for the appointment and pictures taken of all medications we have at the house for IUI (we have the medicine at our house from when we thought we were going to start IUI last spring).  I figured it would be helpful with our appointment if I was able to tell and show him the meds we already have.

So when I started giving out the info about the cycles since I have had since last time we saw Dr. Swanson.  He was very concerned that my cycles have been out of whack.  The 1st cycle after my surgery was 1 week early because of the medication I was on right after the surgery.  Then cycle number 2 was 22 days long.  And cycle number 3 was 28 days and we are still not sure what this cycle holds for us.  He wants to make sure everything is working correctly and there isn't another underlying issue that we have not seen until now.  So we hare currently having a waiting game right now to see if and when my cycle will start.  Right now it is looking like I will be having a regular 28 day cycle.  When my cycle does start this month I am supposed to call the doctor's office to set up and ultrasound appointment.  Dr. Swanson wants to make sure my eggs are looking good and that my uterus lining is thick.  If he sees any issues he will more than likely have me start taking fertility medicine again to help with any issues.

So now the game plan is to see what the ultrasound shows and if I have 3 successful cycles (meaning eggs and uterus looks good on top of a normal 28 day cycle) and we are unsuccessfully able to become pregnant then we will start IUI.  

Also we found out some interesting information about what we have been doing wrong when it comes to of ovulation plan.  We have always been told we are to have intercourse every other day until I have ovulated.  From what we understood was the reasoning behind this was to make sure the sperm count would be good and the volume would be good as well.  Dr. Swanson basically told us that holds no real truth.  He said anytime we have intercourse before I ovulate is just practice.  The only two days that really matter are the day of ovulation and the day after.  So we will be sticking to that plan from now on.

I also have been trying to keep more positive thoughts this month.  One of our new girls at work and I have spoken about why its really important to stay positive and not negative.  Basically it was broken down to me the more negative I am about my situation the more stress I am causing on myself.  I have never thought of how a negative attitude could cause stress on my body.  So I have really made sure that I let things roll off me and not dwell on things.

-Kate

2014

As I have been enjoying my weekend and reading many posts on Facebook I've noticed a lot of people saying they can't wait for 2014.  Some of the people are excited about the next year and others are complaining about how horrible of a year 2013 has been for them.  So it got me thinking about what has 2013 brought us this past year.  I really can't complain about anything at all.

2013 has brought me:

-A job that I desperately needed to help with our finances.  Not only did I get a job but within less than a year I moved up twice to a better position at the gym.  I am now a full time employee with benefits and a pay raise.

-Lasik surgery for Preston and now he can see so much better and he even gets to wear sunglasses like everyone else.  He owns more sunglasses than I would like to  know about!

-Preston moved up a rank in the Navy.  He has also accomplished so much this year with the different tasks that have been thrown at him.  I can't even begin to list all the things he has done at work mainly because I forget all the names of them! I know I am bad wife for not knowing them but I am so proud of him.

-Seeing all the beauty this state has to offer for us.  From the Sequoia trees to the beautiful blue Pacific ocean.  We visited some pretty amazing places this year and I know we have a lot of other really amazing places to visit yet next year!

-My brother proposing to Julia and the their upcoming wedding in April.  I cannot wait for Julia to be part of our family.  She has fit in with us since day 1 of meeting her!  Preston has yet to meet her but I am sure they will hit it off right away.

-Being able to fly home and surprise my mother after she retired from teaching.  I was such and emotional wreck that weekend because I knew my visit was very short and I wanted to be with my family longer.  I am so grateful for my father for thinking of me and paying for me to fly home for this important moment in my mother's life.

-Meeting new people.  I have met so many wonderful people this year!  I am grateful for a job that allows me to interact with people on this base.  I am so social by nature that I love meeting and talking to different people.

-A visit from Preston's parents and sister! We discovered that we need to not spend an entire week in a car! Next year we have decided to go to one location and spend a few days there instead of cramming in all of California must sees in one week!  My mother in law finally beat me in dominos for the 1st time in sometime (It doesn't really help that we only get to play it once a yr if we are lucky!).

-I had two surgeries that have helped me to discover why we haven't be able to become pregnant.  We also have met the most wonderful Dr. and have fallen in love with him.

-We have paid off two bills that we have been working hard on!

-Preston has discovered he can do a lot of our car maintenance himself and has saved us a lot of money by him doing so.

-Many of my friends and family have had babies or are waiting of their arrival of their soon to be children.  I am very excited for their arrivals and to one day meet them!

I could keep going but I know I would be sitting here all day listing things off.  The fact of the matter is even though Preston and I don't have a child and aren't pregnant doesn't mean that it was a horrible no good very bad year for us.  I know that most of my posts are depressing and sad but I mostly just focus on our trying to become parents.  Life isn't really that bad at all.  Most day I am happy with everything.  I just thought it would be nice for people to know that we are okay and thankful for everything that has happened to us this year.  I know next year will be just as amazing if not better.  I know that no matter what we will have horrible heartbreaking days but those days will be out shined by the happier days we will have.

So with that I hope you all have Happy Holidays and an amazing new year because we will be doing just that!

-Kate

Pressure

I don't have time to blog in great detail about this month because I am leaving for work in a few minutes.

This month I started using the wondfo ovulation test strips and it wasn't really hard to use at all.  I highly recommend this product to anyone who is in the process of trying to become pregnant.  I started getting worried if I was going to be able to properly read the strips once it came close to my ovulation time this month.  According to my app on my phone I was supposed to ovulate on a Tuesday but I actually ovulated on a Wednesday and my strip let me know by giving me a big fat two bright pink lines.  I was really excited that day because it was the first time after my surgery that I have gotten a correct ovulation test and I wasn't freaking out why I was getting a smiley face everyday or wasting my money.

Even though I ovulated this month and knew exactly what day it was there was nothing I could do with it.  Preston was on the boat during my ovulation time for a week.  We knew that becoming pregnant this month would be slim to none.  We followed protocol for the week of ovulation as best as we could.  But when your partner is not around on the days close to ovulation you know nothing will happen.  I know that sperm can survive up to 3 days but lets be honest with my track record the odds were against us.  I did have the tiniest hope that things would actually workout for us.

I was actually two days late this month and was starting to get my hopes up but reality brought me back down from my high.  I am not pregnant.  I am not as devastated as I was last month but it doesn't get any easier.  I know I have a lot of people who are really interested and are in our corner and want the best for us but I am going to have to discuss something with you all.  I love that we have such great support from our family and friends but I am going to have to ask you in the kindest way I can to please stop with asking for blog updates, if I have started my period, or if we have thought about starting the adoption process.  It is hard enough for me to get through the day some days because I just want to quit because all I want is to start my family.  What I don't need is the feeling of pressure on me.  I know that is not the intention of anyone but the fact of the matter is that is what is happening to me.  I will update you when I am ready to blog about how things are going.  I WILL NOT announce my pregnancy the day it happens on this blog or facebook.  I believe that is something very personal and our family will be the first to know.  Please do not take this personally its just getting harder and harder on me.  Also please don't feel that you can't ask how things are going.  I don't mind answering questions at all!!

-Kate

Irritated

I am going to start off this post with a disclaimer that I am going to be pissy and depressing in this post.  This month has been so annoying with trying to conceive.  For starters I bought the wrong ovulation tracker kit.  I really liked the clearblue ovulation tracker kit from the past.  I felt like it was very accurate and easy to read.  When I was going to buy my kit for this month I was on the phone at Target and not really paying too much attention to the boxes.  I saw the words clearblue and ovulation tests and grabbed the box.  It wasn't until a day before I was going to start testing that I realized I bought clearblue advanced ovulation testing kit.  This test has 3 features to help you know your "optimal" ovulation day.  A empty circle for low or no ovulation detected, a circle with a smiley face in it which means you are at your peak day for ovulation, or a circle with a smiley face with lines around it which means high ovulation.  So from the 6th-18th I received two days that were empty circles.  The rest of the time I was given a smiley face.  I thought the first smiley face I received was kind of weird because it wasn't even close to my normal ovulation time.  But then when I kept getting smiley face day after day after day I knew something wasn't right.  I was even getting smiley faces after I ovulated according to my other chart I use.  

So on top of dealing with my magical ovulation that was going on or lack there of I was having "symptoms" of being pregnant.  I tried my hardest not to google anything but I gave in and started the whole self diagnosing everything.  I again let my hopes get up and started thinking I was pregnant.  Well silly me for thinking that because I am not pregnant at all.  I started a week early today.  I don't understand why I started early again.  Last month I started early because of the meds I was taking to help heal my uterus.  But I have no idea why I would be early this month!

To make things worse we will not be able to try next month now because Preston will be out on the boat the week I am ovulating.  We thought we were going to be okay next month because he would get home right on the day of or the day before I ovulated and we could at least try.  So now we have to wait till January.

To put the cherry on top of this month and its annoyance we have a new girl at work who just announced to us that she is pregnant.  She is only 8 weeks along and all she does is talk about her pregnancy all night long at work.  It really hasn't bothered me too much because I don't have to be around her all night because I do the scoring for the captain's cup football right now.  But tonight as we were closing she was talking to our night custodians and she told everyone how she hates being pregnant and can't wait for this baby to get out while standing right next to me.  Again she is ONLY 8 weeks along!!  She also knows that I have been struggling for 3yrs and some of the other details about my surgeries (I told her in hopes that she would stop talking about it all day).   I instantly got upset and gathered my things and left.

Again I am sitting here bawling my eyes out writing this blog because I don't understand why things aren't going my way.  I just want a break for once and have something wonderful happen for us.  I feel very lost right now.

-Kate

Post Op appointment

Sorry I haven't been a good blogger and updated in awhile.  Last week was a crazy one filled with two dentist appointments, trick or treat at the command for the kids, long football nights at work, and getting called into work on my day off.  I enjoy being busy most days as long as it doesn't stress me out and by Wednesday I was pretty stressed out!  Thursday however made everything feel seem like small stuff after our visit with Dr. Swanson.

Before I get to Thursday's visit lets get into how dumb I was about my recovery!! So on day 1 of post surgery I decided it was a great idea to go visit friends.  I went and drove to 2 of my friend's houses and hung out with them.  I was pretty impressed that I was able to do this considering I had just had surgery maybe 24hrs ago.  Then on Sunday (day 2) I thought I could sit in a car for 6 hrs to pick up Preston's parents and sister at LAX.  I didn't put in account that I wouldn't be standing up or walking around for 6 hrs or the fact all the bumps in the road.  My body finally started getting ticked off at me in the evening when I starting bleeding out of no where.  So the rest of Sunday and Monday I tried to take it easy and not take car rides or extensive walking.  The rest of the week when we were on the road sight seeing with family I made sure to get up and walk when ever we stopped somewhere or sit down when we had been walking for some time.

Okay now for my Thursday visit.  Dr. Swanson went over my pictures from surgery with me and answered any questions about surgery.  I was then given the green light to start trying once my next cycle hit.  So then I started asking my millions of questions about everything.  I asked about the following:

Q: "Do I have the same percentage of chances to become pregnant like a normal couple would?"
A: No, because of my endometriosis I still will have a slight disadvantage than a normal couple.  But it shouldn't prevent me from becoming pregnant.

Q: "How many months should we try to conceive on our own before starting fertility treatments?"
A: 3-4 months of trying and if I am not pregnant we will start fertility treatments.

Q: "Will you be my doctor if I become pregnant?"
A: Yes, Dr. Swanson will be my doctor from here out (which makes us super happy!!) and tricare should cover everything since I was referred out.

Q: "Will I be considered high risk right away if I am pregnant?"
A: No, I shouldn't be high risk because of my surgeries.

Q: "When do I come back?"
A: I will come back in January if not sooner because he has high hopes that we will become pregnant before then.  In January we will start discussing fertility options if I am not pregnant just to keep the ball rolling.

Over all we were very happy with the visit and are very excited to start trying this month.  I went out last Friday and bought my ovulation tracking kit again and I need to pop out the instructions again and figure out what day I need to start the testing.  I know I shouldn't have high hopes but I know I will be disappointed at the end of this month if we are not pregnant.  I am trying to keep with the same mentality I have been for awhile that it's not going to happen.  I have to keep fighting the urge to go out and buy the book What To Expect When You Are Expecting.

On a side note I was very surprised by the flowers I received from my parents the day after surgery and even more surprised and impressed by the surgical hospital get well card they sent me.  Every person that had to deal with me on the day of surgery wrote kind words to me in the card.  I seriously almost cried because I was so touched by their kindness.  I understand it is probably protocol for them to send each of their patients a card but I was just touched by it.

Well that is all for now.  I will continue to blog but depending on how things go I might be silent for a bit.  Hoping for some baby dust coming my way!

(Flowers from my parents.  The bottom two are still alive!)

(Card from Fresno Surgical Center)

-Kate

Surgery number 2

Well it has been well over 24hrs since my surgery and I feel that I am with it enough to write a post about how things went.  Unlike last time after surgery where I think I was still groggy and left major events out in my post.

I felt really great the day of my surgery minus a super full bladder that I couldn't wait to empty!  I always think its funny that I need to give an urine sample before surgery to make sure I am not pregnant.  I mean if I were pregnant in the first place I wouldn't be needing these surgeries.  But I understand that it is procedure they have to do.  But back to the part where I was feeling good about surgery.  It was so nice walking into the hospital and being greeted by people who were smiling and kind and not people who looked beyond annoyed that I walked in and interrupted their conversation.  I had amazing nurses help me get ready for everything.  They put warm blankets on my arms in order to help raise my veins for my iv.  My anesthesiologist was cracking me up from the moment I met him telling me I was his next victim.  Dr. Swanson came and saw me before I was taken into surgery and asked how I was feeling.  Preston even mentioned to me afterwards he could see how much of a difference there was from this surgery and the last one.  Normally I am a nervous wreck running in and out of the bathroom until they are ready to take me back.

My surgery went very well!  Dr. Swanson came out to the lobby to talk with Preston when he was done and also gave him a copy of pictures from the surgery.  He was able to shave down the septum in my uterus and everything looks normal now in there and is ready for a pregnancy.  He did not find any big endometriosis that he needed to laser off because Dr. Ta did a great job of taking as much of it off as possible in June.  He did find another chocolate cyst on my right ovary.  He wasn't sure if it was left over from my surgery in June or not.  Never the less he took it out for me and my right ovary is clear now.  He shook Preston's hand and told him good luck and we should be able to become pregnant now.

I of course don't remember much from waking up from surgery but the one thing I do remember is shaking uncontrollably.  Not too sure why that is but I am sure during my follow up next week I will ask Dr. Swanson and he can let me know.  I went into surgery at around 9:40 AM and got out at 11:30 AM.  I did not get to leave until almost 4PM.  All I remember is that I kept asking for Preston and they would say "he will be back in a little bit".  Finally I went to stage 2 of recovery and I was propped up in a recliner(I honestly don't remember how I got there lol).  Again once I got there I asked again when do I get to see Preston and I was told once I drank water, peed, and got my discharge papers.  At this point I was starving and wanted to go home.  So when I was given the opportunity to use the restroom I took it and went.  I was prescribed vicodin for pain and some sort of estrogen pill.  Not too sure what the estrogen pill is for but we think it's to help the healing process in the uterus?   I will have to call in on Monday to set up a post op appointment with Dr. Swanson next week.  During that visit I need to ask him what is a realistic time span to try to conceive on our own and not jumping the gun to start IUI.  I want to make sure 3 months is enough time to try or should we try longer.

I was very groggy and out of it yesterday and would fall asleep for an hour here and an hour there.  Last night I had a very restless sleep and kept waking up.  Mind you I decided it was a great idea to not take any pain meds because I really didn't hurt.  So at around 4AM I couldn't take the constant waking up because I was uncomfortable and just got up.  I went downstairs and propped myself up on the recliner and caught up on my dvr recordings.  At one point my should and ribs hurt so bad that I caved in and took a pain pill.  I still haven't slept and have been kind of blah all day.  I am slowly getting my appetite back after Preston kept pushing me to eat and drink.  Overall I feel pretty good the only real pain I have is my right shoulder and and right ribs they hurt very bad when I try to lay down.  So for now I will stick to pain pills if I am in a lot of pain and hopefully tonight I will be able to sleep.  I've probably over done it on my first day after surgery by be up and moving around so much today.

Well that is all for now.  I will update my blog after my post op appointment later this week.

-Kate