No IUI this month

I feel like the months are starting to blend together. As Preston and I sat talking on our drive up to Fresno yesterday we couldn't believe how fast the months have been going by. We couldn't remember if the last time we saw our doctor was in December or January. Normally this would be a good thing if you are looking forward to something. But in our case I feel like its a bad thing. The further and further we go on this infertility journey it is hard to stay positive that something good is going to come out of all this heartbreak and stess.

With this being said we have decided to seek held from a therapist. I will be calling one today so we can start this process. We need help with coping when we see babies or announcements of pregnancies. Like I said in the past I am genuinely happy for everyone but deep down inside I die each time and reminds me that we are no where close to even having that.  I think what a lot of people who haven't struggled with infertility don't understand how deep the pain really is for us.  We want things to be as normal as possible. This is why we have started to become more private about everything. This is just a place for me to express my feelings and helps relief stress as well. We want to be a normal couple who gets to surprise our famlies when we are pregnant and see the pure excitement on their faces. We want to make one of those cute announments you see on Pinterest.  We aren't becoming more private because we are being selfish or mean. We just wish everything was normal for us.

Okay enough on that rant. This month was pretty depressing. We ended up not doing iui because my follicle isn't really growing very much. The doctor would like us to have one that is in a 18-20 range. This month on my 1st scan I had a 16 on my left ovary and a 1 inch cyst on my right ovary. Both not very good stuff for trying to get pregnant. So we did a scan on Monday which was CD 11 for me and I was to come back on Wednesday for another scan on CD 13. Well I tested postive for an ovulation surge on Tuesday. My crazy self called the doctors office Tuesday afternoon after 2 tests to make sure I was seeing what I was really seeing. Left a message for the nurse to call me back. I never got a call. So we drove all the way to Fresno the next morning to see what we should do. I called the minute they opened and told them no one called me back only to find out that they did and left me a voice mail. So now I was the crazy lady calling. They were able to squeeze me in for a quick scan. We weren't sure if we wanted to do the iui if my follicle didn't grow much more. The scan showed that my cyst started to shrink on its own. But my follicle only grew 1 more mm. We decided that it was a waste of money to try this time.

So next month we will try the same game plan because I will not be able to come in on CD 1 or 2 to check on my cyst. They want to make sure it goes away. Then the following month( in June) if the iui doesn't work we will take all the letrozole on CD 3 because there has been some research that it really helps boost follicle growth.

That is all I have for now.

-Kate

Quick update

Sorry I've been quiet the last few months but we have decided it is easier to not talk about things lately. This whole experiance has been so excruciatingly painful and sometimes it's hard to write about or even having to talk about it a million times. So for now if I get the urge to blog I will but I will not be posting an update on to Facebook. So if you are reading this you are a smart cookie or a great stalker.

As of today we have completed 2 rounds of unsuccessful iui. Although I don't know if you can count roun 1 or not considering how small my follicle was and my cycle was super crazy. I'll get into that later.

 I have decided that we will give iui 2 more tries before I throw in the towel. After that I don't know what our next step will be. But whatever we choose please respect our choice. One thing I cannot and will not stand for are for others opinions. You have not been in our shoes and have no idea of the pain we have experienced in the past 3 plus years. We don't want to hear about a friends friend who was dealing with a similar situation and after they stopped trying they became pregnant.  Yes I still have people who say these things to me. I think this is why I don't want to be so open about our infertility journey any more.

So round 1 I was on 2.5mg of letrozole and I was able to produce a 15 mm follicle. I was told to go home and test for ovulation and if I ovulate before our next appointment I should call. Well much to our surprise I was ovulating that day. So we had to come back the next day to do iui. During a very long 2 week wait my cycle started 4 days early. I didn't cry I was just pissed that I was early.

Round 2 I was prescribed 5 mg of letrozole which proved to work much better because I produced a 17 mm follicle. I made sure I was testing before my appointment and I hadn't ovulated yet so at 6 PM that evening Preston had to give me hsg shot in my stomach. Well at 6PM I am at work so we got to do that in my break room. Well that took a whole 20 minutes for me to work up the courage to allow Preston to give me the shot. My coworkers reaction to seeing my husband holding a needle and me panicking was not the best. I had to give them a quick answer that I'm not on drugs and this was for iui. I had quite audience and people offering to give me the shot or to hold my hand. I really don't need to get into more detail about round 2 because as I stated already it was unsuccessful.  I was devastated when I took a pregnancy test. I cried in the shower and on the way to work.

I know it's important to stay positive or to envision our lives with a child. I really don't want to give iui another 2 tries because every time I die a little inside when it doesn't work. It's one of the worst feelings ever. I am beyond empty and numb. I am ready to start seeing a therapist because I know deep down inside that we won't be parents. I am going to need a lot of help in order to cope with this reality and help me from the depression I will have. I hope I can shake this mood I've been in and get back to being positive.

-Kate