2014

As I have been enjoying my weekend and reading many posts on Facebook I've noticed a lot of people saying they can't wait for 2014.  Some of the people are excited about the next year and others are complaining about how horrible of a year 2013 has been for them.  So it got me thinking about what has 2013 brought us this past year.  I really can't complain about anything at all.

2013 has brought me:

-A job that I desperately needed to help with our finances.  Not only did I get a job but within less than a year I moved up twice to a better position at the gym.  I am now a full time employee with benefits and a pay raise.

-Lasik surgery for Preston and now he can see so much better and he even gets to wear sunglasses like everyone else.  He owns more sunglasses than I would like to  know about!

-Preston moved up a rank in the Navy.  He has also accomplished so much this year with the different tasks that have been thrown at him.  I can't even begin to list all the things he has done at work mainly because I forget all the names of them! I know I am bad wife for not knowing them but I am so proud of him.

-Seeing all the beauty this state has to offer for us.  From the Sequoia trees to the beautiful blue Pacific ocean.  We visited some pretty amazing places this year and I know we have a lot of other really amazing places to visit yet next year!

-My brother proposing to Julia and the their upcoming wedding in April.  I cannot wait for Julia to be part of our family.  She has fit in with us since day 1 of meeting her!  Preston has yet to meet her but I am sure they will hit it off right away.

-Being able to fly home and surprise my mother after she retired from teaching.  I was such and emotional wreck that weekend because I knew my visit was very short and I wanted to be with my family longer.  I am so grateful for my father for thinking of me and paying for me to fly home for this important moment in my mother's life.

-Meeting new people.  I have met so many wonderful people this year!  I am grateful for a job that allows me to interact with people on this base.  I am so social by nature that I love meeting and talking to different people.

-A visit from Preston's parents and sister! We discovered that we need to not spend an entire week in a car! Next year we have decided to go to one location and spend a few days there instead of cramming in all of California must sees in one week!  My mother in law finally beat me in dominos for the 1st time in sometime (It doesn't really help that we only get to play it once a yr if we are lucky!).

-I had two surgeries that have helped me to discover why we haven't be able to become pregnant.  We also have met the most wonderful Dr. and have fallen in love with him.

-We have paid off two bills that we have been working hard on!

-Preston has discovered he can do a lot of our car maintenance himself and has saved us a lot of money by him doing so.

-Many of my friends and family have had babies or are waiting of their arrival of their soon to be children.  I am very excited for their arrivals and to one day meet them!

I could keep going but I know I would be sitting here all day listing things off.  The fact of the matter is even though Preston and I don't have a child and aren't pregnant doesn't mean that it was a horrible no good very bad year for us.  I know that most of my posts are depressing and sad but I mostly just focus on our trying to become parents.  Life isn't really that bad at all.  Most day I am happy with everything.  I just thought it would be nice for people to know that we are okay and thankful for everything that has happened to us this year.  I know next year will be just as amazing if not better.  I know that no matter what we will have horrible heartbreaking days but those days will be out shined by the happier days we will have.

So with that I hope you all have Happy Holidays and an amazing new year because we will be doing just that!

-Kate

Pressure

I don't have time to blog in great detail about this month because I am leaving for work in a few minutes.

This month I started using the wondfo ovulation test strips and it wasn't really hard to use at all.  I highly recommend this product to anyone who is in the process of trying to become pregnant.  I started getting worried if I was going to be able to properly read the strips once it came close to my ovulation time this month.  According to my app on my phone I was supposed to ovulate on a Tuesday but I actually ovulated on a Wednesday and my strip let me know by giving me a big fat two bright pink lines.  I was really excited that day because it was the first time after my surgery that I have gotten a correct ovulation test and I wasn't freaking out why I was getting a smiley face everyday or wasting my money.

Even though I ovulated this month and knew exactly what day it was there was nothing I could do with it.  Preston was on the boat during my ovulation time for a week.  We knew that becoming pregnant this month would be slim to none.  We followed protocol for the week of ovulation as best as we could.  But when your partner is not around on the days close to ovulation you know nothing will happen.  I know that sperm can survive up to 3 days but lets be honest with my track record the odds were against us.  I did have the tiniest hope that things would actually workout for us.

I was actually two days late this month and was starting to get my hopes up but reality brought me back down from my high.  I am not pregnant.  I am not as devastated as I was last month but it doesn't get any easier.  I know I have a lot of people who are really interested and are in our corner and want the best for us but I am going to have to discuss something with you all.  I love that we have such great support from our family and friends but I am going to have to ask you in the kindest way I can to please stop with asking for blog updates, if I have started my period, or if we have thought about starting the adoption process.  It is hard enough for me to get through the day some days because I just want to quit because all I want is to start my family.  What I don't need is the feeling of pressure on me.  I know that is not the intention of anyone but the fact of the matter is that is what is happening to me.  I will update you when I am ready to blog about how things are going.  I WILL NOT announce my pregnancy the day it happens on this blog or facebook.  I believe that is something very personal and our family will be the first to know.  Please do not take this personally its just getting harder and harder on me.  Also please don't feel that you can't ask how things are going.  I don't mind answering questions at all!!

-Kate

Irritated

I am going to start off this post with a disclaimer that I am going to be pissy and depressing in this post.  This month has been so annoying with trying to conceive.  For starters I bought the wrong ovulation tracker kit.  I really liked the clearblue ovulation tracker kit from the past.  I felt like it was very accurate and easy to read.  When I was going to buy my kit for this month I was on the phone at Target and not really paying too much attention to the boxes.  I saw the words clearblue and ovulation tests and grabbed the box.  It wasn't until a day before I was going to start testing that I realized I bought clearblue advanced ovulation testing kit.  This test has 3 features to help you know your "optimal" ovulation day.  A empty circle for low or no ovulation detected, a circle with a smiley face in it which means you are at your peak day for ovulation, or a circle with a smiley face with lines around it which means high ovulation.  So from the 6th-18th I received two days that were empty circles.  The rest of the time I was given a smiley face.  I thought the first smiley face I received was kind of weird because it wasn't even close to my normal ovulation time.  But then when I kept getting smiley face day after day after day I knew something wasn't right.  I was even getting smiley faces after I ovulated according to my other chart I use.  

So on top of dealing with my magical ovulation that was going on or lack there of I was having "symptoms" of being pregnant.  I tried my hardest not to google anything but I gave in and started the whole self diagnosing everything.  I again let my hopes get up and started thinking I was pregnant.  Well silly me for thinking that because I am not pregnant at all.  I started a week early today.  I don't understand why I started early again.  Last month I started early because of the meds I was taking to help heal my uterus.  But I have no idea why I would be early this month!

To make things worse we will not be able to try next month now because Preston will be out on the boat the week I am ovulating.  We thought we were going to be okay next month because he would get home right on the day of or the day before I ovulated and we could at least try.  So now we have to wait till January.

To put the cherry on top of this month and its annoyance we have a new girl at work who just announced to us that she is pregnant.  She is only 8 weeks along and all she does is talk about her pregnancy all night long at work.  It really hasn't bothered me too much because I don't have to be around her all night because I do the scoring for the captain's cup football right now.  But tonight as we were closing she was talking to our night custodians and she told everyone how she hates being pregnant and can't wait for this baby to get out while standing right next to me.  Again she is ONLY 8 weeks along!!  She also knows that I have been struggling for 3yrs and some of the other details about my surgeries (I told her in hopes that she would stop talking about it all day).   I instantly got upset and gathered my things and left.

Again I am sitting here bawling my eyes out writing this blog because I don't understand why things aren't going my way.  I just want a break for once and have something wonderful happen for us.  I feel very lost right now.

-Kate

Post Op appointment

Sorry I haven't been a good blogger and updated in awhile.  Last week was a crazy one filled with two dentist appointments, trick or treat at the command for the kids, long football nights at work, and getting called into work on my day off.  I enjoy being busy most days as long as it doesn't stress me out and by Wednesday I was pretty stressed out!  Thursday however made everything feel seem like small stuff after our visit with Dr. Swanson.

Before I get to Thursday's visit lets get into how dumb I was about my recovery!! So on day 1 of post surgery I decided it was a great idea to go visit friends.  I went and drove to 2 of my friend's houses and hung out with them.  I was pretty impressed that I was able to do this considering I had just had surgery maybe 24hrs ago.  Then on Sunday (day 2) I thought I could sit in a car for 6 hrs to pick up Preston's parents and sister at LAX.  I didn't put in account that I wouldn't be standing up or walking around for 6 hrs or the fact all the bumps in the road.  My body finally started getting ticked off at me in the evening when I starting bleeding out of no where.  So the rest of Sunday and Monday I tried to take it easy and not take car rides or extensive walking.  The rest of the week when we were on the road sight seeing with family I made sure to get up and walk when ever we stopped somewhere or sit down when we had been walking for some time.

Okay now for my Thursday visit.  Dr. Swanson went over my pictures from surgery with me and answered any questions about surgery.  I was then given the green light to start trying once my next cycle hit.  So then I started asking my millions of questions about everything.  I asked about the following:

Q: "Do I have the same percentage of chances to become pregnant like a normal couple would?"
A: No, because of my endometriosis I still will have a slight disadvantage than a normal couple.  But it shouldn't prevent me from becoming pregnant.

Q: "How many months should we try to conceive on our own before starting fertility treatments?"
A: 3-4 months of trying and if I am not pregnant we will start fertility treatments.

Q: "Will you be my doctor if I become pregnant?"
A: Yes, Dr. Swanson will be my doctor from here out (which makes us super happy!!) and tricare should cover everything since I was referred out.

Q: "Will I be considered high risk right away if I am pregnant?"
A: No, I shouldn't be high risk because of my surgeries.

Q: "When do I come back?"
A: I will come back in January if not sooner because he has high hopes that we will become pregnant before then.  In January we will start discussing fertility options if I am not pregnant just to keep the ball rolling.

Over all we were very happy with the visit and are very excited to start trying this month.  I went out last Friday and bought my ovulation tracking kit again and I need to pop out the instructions again and figure out what day I need to start the testing.  I know I shouldn't have high hopes but I know I will be disappointed at the end of this month if we are not pregnant.  I am trying to keep with the same mentality I have been for awhile that it's not going to happen.  I have to keep fighting the urge to go out and buy the book What To Expect When You Are Expecting.

On a side note I was very surprised by the flowers I received from my parents the day after surgery and even more surprised and impressed by the surgical hospital get well card they sent me.  Every person that had to deal with me on the day of surgery wrote kind words to me in the card.  I seriously almost cried because I was so touched by their kindness.  I understand it is probably protocol for them to send each of their patients a card but I was just touched by it.

Well that is all for now.  I will continue to blog but depending on how things go I might be silent for a bit.  Hoping for some baby dust coming my way!

(Flowers from my parents.  The bottom two are still alive!)

(Card from Fresno Surgical Center)

-Kate

Surgery number 2

Well it has been well over 24hrs since my surgery and I feel that I am with it enough to write a post about how things went.  Unlike last time after surgery where I think I was still groggy and left major events out in my post.

I felt really great the day of my surgery minus a super full bladder that I couldn't wait to empty!  I always think its funny that I need to give an urine sample before surgery to make sure I am not pregnant.  I mean if I were pregnant in the first place I wouldn't be needing these surgeries.  But I understand that it is procedure they have to do.  But back to the part where I was feeling good about surgery.  It was so nice walking into the hospital and being greeted by people who were smiling and kind and not people who looked beyond annoyed that I walked in and interrupted their conversation.  I had amazing nurses help me get ready for everything.  They put warm blankets on my arms in order to help raise my veins for my iv.  My anesthesiologist was cracking me up from the moment I met him telling me I was his next victim.  Dr. Swanson came and saw me before I was taken into surgery and asked how I was feeling.  Preston even mentioned to me afterwards he could see how much of a difference there was from this surgery and the last one.  Normally I am a nervous wreck running in and out of the bathroom until they are ready to take me back.

My surgery went very well!  Dr. Swanson came out to the lobby to talk with Preston when he was done and also gave him a copy of pictures from the surgery.  He was able to shave down the septum in my uterus and everything looks normal now in there and is ready for a pregnancy.  He did not find any big endometriosis that he needed to laser off because Dr. Ta did a great job of taking as much of it off as possible in June.  He did find another chocolate cyst on my right ovary.  He wasn't sure if it was left over from my surgery in June or not.  Never the less he took it out for me and my right ovary is clear now.  He shook Preston's hand and told him good luck and we should be able to become pregnant now.

I of course don't remember much from waking up from surgery but the one thing I do remember is shaking uncontrollably.  Not too sure why that is but I am sure during my follow up next week I will ask Dr. Swanson and he can let me know.  I went into surgery at around 9:40 AM and got out at 11:30 AM.  I did not get to leave until almost 4PM.  All I remember is that I kept asking for Preston and they would say "he will be back in a little bit".  Finally I went to stage 2 of recovery and I was propped up in a recliner(I honestly don't remember how I got there lol).  Again once I got there I asked again when do I get to see Preston and I was told once I drank water, peed, and got my discharge papers.  At this point I was starving and wanted to go home.  So when I was given the opportunity to use the restroom I took it and went.  I was prescribed vicodin for pain and some sort of estrogen pill.  Not too sure what the estrogen pill is for but we think it's to help the healing process in the uterus?   I will have to call in on Monday to set up a post op appointment with Dr. Swanson next week.  During that visit I need to ask him what is a realistic time span to try to conceive on our own and not jumping the gun to start IUI.  I want to make sure 3 months is enough time to try or should we try longer.

I was very groggy and out of it yesterday and would fall asleep for an hour here and an hour there.  Last night I had a very restless sleep and kept waking up.  Mind you I decided it was a great idea to not take any pain meds because I really didn't hurt.  So at around 4AM I couldn't take the constant waking up because I was uncomfortable and just got up.  I went downstairs and propped myself up on the recliner and caught up on my dvr recordings.  At one point my should and ribs hurt so bad that I caved in and took a pain pill.  I still haven't slept and have been kind of blah all day.  I am slowly getting my appetite back after Preston kept pushing me to eat and drink.  Overall I feel pretty good the only real pain I have is my right shoulder and and right ribs they hurt very bad when I try to lay down.  So for now I will stick to pain pills if I am in a lot of pain and hopefully tonight I will be able to sleep.  I've probably over done it on my first day after surgery by be up and moving around so much today.

Well that is all for now.  I will update my blog after my post op appointment later this week.

-Kate

Please let this work!

Well after a lot of thinking and weighing options we opted for the surgery rout.  I finally got ahold of the nurse and asked her a few questions.  She said the shots have great results if they work.  But there is no guarantee that it will work at all.  We were also informed that if our insurance did not cover the shots they would be $550 a shot and we would be doing 6 months worth of shots.  So the only real difference is that the shots could minimize or get rid of my endometriosis and the surgery will laser off any endometriosis that has came back plus take care of any cysts that are developing.  So instead of waiting 6 months to find out if the shots worked and having a surgery to see if everything worked correctly seemed like a big risk to me.  Not to mention the cost of shots if we had to pay that amount.

I am feeling really good about our decision.  I never want to have surgery but in this case I am kind of excited to have this surgery.  I will be having surgery on Friday, Oct. 18th in Fresno.  It should be completely different experience that the last surgery.  Hopefully I wont be crying before I go into surgery because someone can't figure out how to get a blood sample from me.  There is no down time after surgery and we can try as soon as we want.  I do however have to take it easy a few days after surgery just like last time.  I want to try naturally for a few months and see what happens.  Here is to hoping that after all this we can be like everyone else and just get pregnant without any help.  If not I have agreed to Preston that we will try IUI after 3 months.  He really wants us to do IUI right away because he is eager to start a family (not that I am not just as eager but I want things to be as normal as possible).

Well that is all to report for now.  Maybe I will make Preston write the next post so my surgery info afterwards actually makes sense lol! If not there will be a two part post one that doesn't make much sense and then another one that actually makes sense.


-Kate

Dr. visit update

Well I finally was able to meet our new doctor on Tuesday.  He was wonderful and treated me with respect.  I felt like he is all in with helping us get to our end goal starting a family.  He wants to tackle both problems (the endo and the septum) right away.  He gave us two different game plans that we can choose from.

Option 1: Get lupron injections for 6 months to help get rid of the endometriosis.  During that 6 month span he will have me come in for check ups to make sure the meds are working correctly.  Also at some point I will have surgery to get rid of the septum in my uterus.  So around March we will be able to start trying to start our family again.  There is no down time after the septum surgery.

Option 2: While doing the septum surgery he lasers off any endometriosis and or cysts he sees during surgery.  Then we start trying again.  Not sure of the down time after this surgery.

I know there are some pretty crazy side effects for lupron.  I asked my dr about the weight gain, hair loss, hot flashes, depression, and insomnia.  I am sure I am missing A LOT of other side effects but those are the ones I can remember off the top of my head.  He said he prescribes lupron to many of his patients who are dealing with endometriosis and has never had any of those side effect reported besides hot flashes.

So we chose to do the lupron for 6 months.   It sounded like the best shot at getting rid of the endometriosis.  The nurse came in and explained to us that sometimes health insurances will not cover this treatment and that could cost a couple hundred dollars per shot.  She will be calling me sometime next week to let me know if our insurance will cover these injections.  I was given permission to have the injections sent to our house and I can have a nurse at the OB/GYN clinic on base give me my injections.

Well after over 24hrs to let things sink in I may have changed my mind about everything.  I am really scared to get the injections.  I don't want to change or feel crappy every day for 6 months.  I started to research online for data on how successful lupron is and I really can't find the data.  I keep getting links to chat forums.  I read more about the pain they have a few days after injections.  Headaches and heartburn.  Women who have to be on anti depressants to help with the side effects.  And then the very few and far between women who have had positive results with lupron.  I am worried that after 6 months that my period wont come back.  I also feel if I have surgery for my septum and get any endometriosis that has grown back laser off that we can start trying sooner.  I just want to know which option is truly the better option for our situation.  Tomorrow I will call the doctors office and ask to speak to the nurse and see if I can get some answers.  If there is no real percentage difference between the two options I will opt with option number 2 and see when the soonest date I can schedule my surgery.

-Kate

World's Best Husband

I have to say I do have the world's best husband in my books.  Preston was a work when I received the call for the canceled doctors visit so I had to text him what was going on.  He told me at first he thought I was just joking with him because the last doctor we went to they canceled on us not even 24hrs before our appointment.  Once he realized it wasn't a joke he wanted Dr. Swanson's number right away to ask why my appointment was canceled.  When I didn't respond to his text messages or phone calls ( I was taking a shower during that time ) he came home from work to check on me and get the phone number.  I told him he had to be nice to who ever he spoke to on the phone because they didn't cancel on us on purpose and they really don't know our story.  Long story short he spoke to someone and they were magically able to get us in next Tuesday.  Why on earth I wasn't offered this date originally I have no idea and at this point I don't care.  All I know is that am very appreciative of my loving husband who always wants the best for me!  Needless to say I am in a a better frame of mind right now unlike earlier today.  

So stay tuned for next weeks post.  Unless they cancel again...ugh.

-Kate

 

An all time low

So I have been on this high this month knowing I had would be going to my doctor's appointment and finally get things moving again.  Well that all just came to a halt.  I just got a phone call a few mins ago from the doctors office to cancel my appointment.  The next date the had open was October 22nd.  I was in shock that yet again my doctor appointment is being canceled.  I somehow found it in me to speak up and ask if there were any sooner dates than that.  She then asked what it was again that I was needing to see the doctor.  My mind raced and I tried not to scream at her.  I told her I have a septum in my uterus and that my doctor on base has referred me out months ago.  I then said please we have been trying for 3 years to start a family I don't want to wait any longer.  The next available date is October 17th.

So now I am here writing this post and bawling my eyes out trying to figure out why do these things keep happing to me.  I am mentally at the point where I can't handle this any more.  I don't understand what I did to deserve this.  I can't handle this any more.  Why am I driving myself crazy about starting a family that I have no idea if I can even have one.  But it's the one thing I've always wanted.  I feel dead inside when people talk about the love that they have for their children.  Its just so empty knowing I don't or will never have that feeling.  Well I need to go get ready for work and put on a fake smile.

-Kate

Happy 3 years!

Well our journey has now officially entered into our 3rd year.  I was never the girl who imagined that we would become pregnant right after our wedding.  I thought maybe halfway through our 1st year or later we would announce our 1st child would be born with some really cute way hence my Pinterest page has a spot dedicated to cute and fun baby announcements.  If I had things going my way we would be trying for our 2nd child by now.  

I haven't written much lately because there is nothing really to report.  I am finally seeing my new doctor next week.  I again don't have high hopes on the visit.  I do however want him to do an ultra sound to make my anxiety go away.  Every time I have the slightest cramp I start to freak out and think I have a cyst again.  Just because Dr. Ta removed the last two and I was on birth control for the last 3 months doesn't mean I don't have them growing again.   We all know that the last time we tried to control the cysts the birth control didn't stop them from growing.  Also with all this time between drs I have been reading online about how women who have endometriosis have changed their diet to gluten free or vegan to help with endo. I am going to ask my dr about this and see if their is any truth to a change of diet.  If so I am going to be changing my diet drastically.  I will go vegan so I am able to have children!!

If things do really workout with this new dr here are how I see things playing out:
-September 19th consultation and possible ultrasound
-October ultrasound and testing for septum in the uterus
-Late October or November surgery for septum
-January get the green light to start trying again

-OR- 

We find out that the septum isn't really bad and we can go ahead and start trying again.Wouldn't that be nice?  I would probably be mad if we found out that this entire time we could of been trying.  Our plan once we are given the green light is to try a few months naturally before I start adding fertility drugs again.  I want to see if I can do it on my own after the modifications my body had have done to it.

Well that is all for now.  I will write another post once I have any new information.

-Kate

Don't give up

So I have a few blue days here lately.  I still haven't heard back from the doctor we saw almost two weeks ago.  I am currently waiting on my referral to go through for this doctor I found online who is within our network.  He is everything we need right now.  What caught my attention about him was he specializes in uterine surgery.  But on top of that he is an OBGYN, reproductive endocrinologist, and fertility specialist.  I just hope we can get into see him soon!

My thoughts have been wondering to the thought of giving up.  I just so badly want to be done with this journey.  People ask me do you think you will have children and depending on my mood it will be a half hearted sure or an "eh".  I am a pessimist at heart.  It drives Preston nuts that I have that outlook on life.  If you can't tell he is an optimist and always has hope for the best.  I would rather think the worst and be surprised in the end if something actually went right.  So my honest answer to "do you think you will have children" is no.  I would love to be wrong and have two or three little ones running around when I read this post years from now but the simple fact is it's easier to think no then to daydream about our future children.


Hopefully the next post I will have a doctors appointment with our potential new doctor.

-Kate

Yet another wasted visit

Well I thought I would have something positive to write after my visit but sadly I do not.  I really had high hopes for this visit because I did some research about the office and my doctor and felt really good about it.

After waiting in lobby with kids running everywhere for 45 mins we were called back to our room.  The nurse practitioner came in and explained to me that the doctor would not be seeing me today (which I already knew).  She wanted to ask a few questions about my history.  She then started calling medical files a novel.  I think she honestly thought that we haven't been dealing with our issues for very long.  It wasn't until she started going through my "novel" that she realized that we have been going to the doctor since 2011 for everything.

The one part of the the visit that drove Preston nuts was the fact that she kept focusing my endometriosis and not my uterus.  On our car ride home he told me that he was frustrated that he had to say "but we are here about her uterus not just the endometriosis" to get her to refocus about the uterus.

After maybe 20 mins of her asking a few questions and writing some notes she informed us that she will give the doctor my file and her notes from todays visit.  She does not know if the doctor will be setting up another appointment with us or not.  If she does she only sees patients on Wednesdays.  The nurse also mentioned the doctor might refer me to specialist also.

All in all we feel like I need to go the base hospital and talk to someone about what we should really do next.  My doctor had told me in the past that he would be able to do surgery on my uterus but did not want to because he didn't want to do something that San Diego would not like.  Well San Diego is not seeing dependents at this time and this place in Fresno has no idea when they can schedule me again.  We really don't feel like having another place dragging their feet.  To doctors they may think they are going as fast as they can.  And to outsiders I may seem that I am being whiny and super annoying about all this.  But in all reality all we want is a healthy baby of our own! 

-Kate

update

It has been awhile since I have written a post so I thought I would give a mini update before my doctor's appointment this morning.

The proper name for what is going on with my uterus is called a septum uterus. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uterine_septum) My doctor here on base seems to think that I will need to have surgery to shave down the septum in order for me to have enough room for a fetus/baby grow.  I have been reading about the surgery online and found that women have been able to become pregnant very easily after they are given the green light to go ahead and start trying.  Now I have not tried to google women who have level 3 endometriosis and septum uterus pregnancy success.  I am pretty sure google will give me links that will not be helpful if I looked that up.

I have also been on birth control for the past month in hopes that it slows the endometriosis down.  I would love if I end up having surgery for them to check out everything and see if the endometriosis came back yet or not.  The ultimate goal would be that I could have this surgery by next month and then wait 3 months to heal.  Then I would love to try to conceive naturally instead of doing the IUI right away.  For some reason I have a feeling that the endometriosis and the septum uterus were the true reason why we could not become pregnant for all these yrs.

So today I am seeing a new doctor in Fresno.  I was actually supposed to have my appointment last week but on Tuesday evening I received a phone call stating that the doctor would not be at the practice that day. So I was very frustrated with the news and was even more frustrated when I found out that today's appointment would not be with the doctor but with her nurse.  I really hope I don't have to go to 3 more appointments in order to get a game plan started.

I had to fill out this new patient packet for the doctor's office and wow it was really long.  I felt like they wanted the okay for the rights of my 1st born!  I honestly had to keep calling my mom about family history that they needed to know.  "Do you have at least two family members with such and such cancer?"  "Have you had chicken pox? If so what was the date?"  "What was the date of your first period?"  Ahhh I don't know all these answers!!!

I will do a post later today or tomorrow about how my appointment went and what the game plan will be from here on out.


-Kate

Yet another roadblock

Hopefully this post will not be on the rambling end this time.

This surgery wasn't too bad pain wise.  I was pleasantly pleased that I was able to go to work without too much pain.  I guess anything after my last knee surgery seems so easy.

Okay fast forward to this week for my post op appointment.  I should of known that I wasn't going to just walk in there and get to see the pictures from the surgery and get a shot and go on my merry way.  Nothing has been that easy with trying to become pregnant.

Here is a summary of how things went:

-The cyst on my right ovary was the size of an orange and the one on my left side was just a simple cyst and he drained it for me.  

-I have level 3 endometriosis out of 4 levels. Level 4 is when you need a hysterectomy because it has overtaken your reproductive system.  I also have gun powder endometriosis.  I know it sounds crazy right?

-During surgery they discovered that I have a split uterus which means I have another surgery before we even attempt to become pregnant.

-When I do get that shot it won't be 3 months of the menopause but any where from 3 to 6 months long.

-I am getting referred to a doctor in San Diego.

Although I will be seeing a doctor who is specialized in infertility I am not looking forward the 10 hr drive to San Diego and back.  I just want a doctor to tell us that everything looks great and we can finally move on.  I should be hearing back sometime next week when we will start seeing our new doctor.

Until then I think I will be purchasing some mederma to help get these scars to disappear.

-Kate    

Post Surgery Day 1

Well yesterday was a very long and frustrating day.  I was scheduled to be at the hospital at 7AM Monday morning.  I knew I was in for an interesting day when I walked up to check in at the front desk and I was greeted by irritated hospital staff.  Last time I had surgery my experience was wonderful minus the pain I was in after surgery.  Everyone was amazing and super helpful.  I had the polar opposite yesterday.

My first issue was when my one of my corpsman was unable to get my temp via ear thermometer  My ear holes are smaller than I suppose a regular person.  So he decided instead of pushing it in at an angle he would get the thermometer that you scan across the patients forehead.  I have no issue with that thermometer at all but I do have a problem when you don't use it correctly lol!  He just placed it on my head.  So who knows if he got a proper reading or not.

My second issue was corpsman number 2.  He was in charge of taking blood samples from me.  He seemed very nervous so Preston asked him how long he has been in and told us 3yrs.  This made me feel better because I had a horrible experience in Pensacola when a corpsman in training did blood work on me and used the wrong size needle and I shot blood across the room.  So getting blood work done freaks me out at times.  Okay back on track....so he does the tourniquet on my left arm and struggles to tie it and once he does my arm is filled with a ton of pressure and my arm is turning purple.  So first try he said my vein rolled so no luck there.  I started giving Preston the look like im going to freak out.  2nd try he does the same thing struggles to tie a tourniquet and my arm is throbbing again and then he misses my vein completely.  At this point I lost it and started crying.  Preston got up to comfort me because this was the last thing I wanted before surgery.  At this point the nurse steps up and goes to my left arm and finds a vein and successfully gets the needle in but then was ready and had the corpsman hand her the viles one at a time.  While she is getting my blood work the ER nurse comes in to see what is taking so long because they were expecting met to be in the waiting area by 8 AM. Then my nurse notices that the corpsman labeled my viles wrong so they had to fix them.

After I was taken out of my room and taken back to the waiting area things were much better and I had amazing staff who were joking with me about silly things on Facebook.  Once I was transfered to the OR I was asked what music I would like to listen to which I laughed and told them it didn't matter because I would be out.  They found out that I was from Ohio so they choose Country music! :)

After a few hrs after surgery Dr. Ta came and talked to Preston and I about the surgery and everything that he discovered.  He was able to take out both cysts one on the right and one on the left.  I was informed that I have level 3 endometriosis which he thinks may be the reason why we have been so unsuccessful with trying to become pregnant.  So the next step will start next week.  My Dr. will give me an injection (don't remember the name of it) that will chemically induce menopause for 3 months.  The point of that is to try to stop and or shrink the endometriosis.  Supposedly women who have done this have had this treatment were able to become pregnant.  We will still do the IUI instead of trying naturally and taking the risk of giving the endometriosis a chance to grow back.

So today I am feeling groggy and sore.  I did not sleep too well last night not because I was in horrible pain but I was just uncomfortable all night.  I think I catch people off guard when I talk to them on the phone because I had a breathing tube in my throat yesterday.  Also sorry if I am rambling on in this post because I am on pain meds.

Tomorrow I will go back to work so we will see how that goes.  I cannot lift anything heavier than 20 pounds for at least two weeks.  Hopefully my managers will help me out at the front counter the rest of this week until the 3:30 shift comes in.  I forgot to mention why yesterday was a long day besides the obvious.  I was at the hospital from 7-4:30.  I didn't think we would be there all day.

I will continue to update our blog next week once I have my post op appointment.

-Kate

Surgery

Well I had my follow up appointment to check on the cysts.  I think the appointment was sometime last week.  Not good news though.  I will be having surgery next Monday on the 3rd of June.

It won't be a major surgery unless there are some complications while he is doing the surgery.  I will be having a laparoscopic surgery.  So at the most I will have two or three tiny holes in my abdomen.  I know who will be near my belly button.  The type of cysts that I have are called Chocolate cysts.  Here is a link that explains what exactly a Chocolate cyst is:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chocolate_cyst  (WARNING there is a graphic pic of what a chocolate cyst looks like)

I will be taking Monday and Tuesday off from work and hopefully I will return back to work on Wednesday with weight limitations.

So as if I didn't have enough on my plate at the moment my tooth decided that Friday was a great day to go bad.  I was in horrible pain and I ended up going into urgent care on Friday night because I was taking only Tylenol for the pain because I was two weeks out from surgery.  And needless to say the Tylenol was doing nothing for me.  I was given the green light that I could take some pain meds and I was prescribed some antibiotics to help with the infection.  So most of this weekend I spent sleeping from the pain meds.

I am looking forward to my appointment with the dentist tomorrow and then my surgery on the 3rd of June.  I hope that after this surgery I can start getting good news from the doctors office.

-Kate

Just what I expected...

Well there is no good news to even report.  First of all my doctor had no idea why I was there today until  I reminded him that I had cysts the last visit.  I wish I was there for an IUI visit.  After sitting in the room for what seemed like 30 mins (mind you I felt like crud this morning) he finally came back with the ultrasound machine.  Yup, no good news came from this ultrasound.  My cysts have grown instead of disolved or shrank.  I now have a 3 1/2 cm and 3 cm cysts on my right ovary.

I need to stay on birth control for another month and see if it helps at all.  If they have not shrank or dissolved I will be having surgery in either May or June.  I then of course discussed cancer with him.  I asked do you screen for it when you take off the cysts.  He told me yes but I am too young to even have to worry about that.  My next question was well if for some reason it is cancer what will you do?  His response I take everything out and we do further testing.  Then I asked well if you are taking everything out can we save any of my eggs and the answer was no.

I am feeling beyond defeated.  I have been on the verge of tears all day but haven't broken down yet.  I am just at a loss and pretty numb because every visit I get worse and worse news.  I don't know what to think or do any more.


-Kate

Hoping for some good news!

Well it's that time again when I get to go back to the doctor's office.  I will be going in on Wednesday for another ultrasound.  Unfortunately Preston cannot go to this visit either.  Last week he had Lasik eye surgery and has is 1 week follow up appointment at Camp Pendleton (which is 5 hrs away).  I am trying not to be a pessimistic but I am assuming that they cysts have not magically dissolved after one month back on the pill.  I hope to hear at least that they are smaller and no new ones have developed.

Since I last posted we have done the following to make sure we are prepared and ready to go when we get the green light for the IUI process.  I have gotten all of the injections that I will be needing in the next few months.  When I say gotten I mean I picked them up from the pharmacy's not had any injections done.  I am so thankful that I will have LT. McKenna doing my injections for me though when I am ready.

Preston contacted the sperm bank in Fresno to schedule an appointment.  My doctor sort of freaked out when I told him last visit that we had not done that yet.  Come to find out that no appointment is really needed.  He can call up that day and and go in.  Preston also contacted the company we need to order the IUI catheter from.   Again we can't order that right now because it has to be used in a certain amount of days or it will be deemed unusable.

I am ready to be done with the pill.  I have forgotten how much it stunk to remember to take it every day at the same time.  I have also forgotten how much it sucks when you first get on it too!!  Ouch I am always tender!!

Either Wednesday or Thursday I will blog again about what our next step will be.  Keep your fingers crossed that we can finally move on and really try!

-Kate

1 Step forward 30 steps backwards

Well as much as I would like to tell you all that everything went great today with my ultrasound I would be lying.  The visit started off on a bad note.  Our doctor failed to tell us that we needed to contact the hospital in Fresno prior to todays visit.  The hospital in Fresno is where Preston needs to go to make his donation and it gets cleaned and possibly frozen.  So even if my visit went well today we wouldn't be able to do IUI this month.

During my ultrasound my doctor found two cysts on my right ovary.  One is 4 cm and the other is 2 cm.  Side note he hasn't done an ultrasound on me in over a year.  I knew that when I was on Clomid a few months ago it was important for your OB to check and make sure you aren't developing cysts and well that wasn't done.

So what happens now? I will be on birth control for two months and fingers crossed that my cysts shrink and go away.  If they aren't gone in about 6-8 weeks this girl will be having another surgery.

With all of that I can say that I am not having a good day.  So I will probably blog about my physical therapy on my knee because that isn't going well either.  Hopefully I will have some better news to blog about next time.

-Kate

The Run Down

Okay I figured it would probably be helpful if I explained how this month will be like for us.  Here are the steps we will be taking on our lovely IUI jouney:

1) Day 1 of my cycle I need to call my doctor and make an appointment for a baseline ultrasound exam within the first 3 days of my cycle

2) From Day 5 to Day 9 I will take 100 mg of Clomid a day for 5 days

3) On Day 10, I will be given a gonadotropin injections, Gonal-F subcutaneously.  This injection can also be given at home by myself or Preston gets to give it to me.  It has to be done at the same time every day in order for it to work correctly.  So more than likely I will be giving them to myself during my breaks at work.

4) On Day 12, I will go back to the doctors office and get an ultrasound exam to evaluate follicular growth.  I may have to keep coming back for a few days for additional ultrasounds or injections until my ovarian follicles reach appropriate size.

5) When everything looks good I will be instructed to take 10,000IU of hCG injection.  This basically forces me to ovulate.  During this time Preston and I will go to Fresno and he will have to make a "donation" and the clinic will clean it up and then give it back to us to take back to the hospital on base.  Either that day or the next day we will do the IUI treatment at the hospital.

6) Plan on taking a urine pregnancy test 2 weeks after IUI

So basically I am going to be pretty busy.  I am trying to keep my thoughts positive and I am also trying not to stress out.

So this might be too much information but the day I am suposed to start my next cycle is on my birthday.  So as I told Preston I will either have a really good birthday or a crappy one.  I am also throwing a baby shower that weekend with another friend and I am sort of thinking maybe I should change the baby shower to the next weekend.  Or I should just put my big girl pants on and deal with it.

That is all for now!  As always I will continue to blog about our experiences.

-Kate

Finally Getting somewhere!!

Sorry I haven't written anything in quite some time but there really wasn't anything to blog about!!

So after three weeks of physical therapy Preston and I started having conversations as to what we were going to accept from my upcoming Dr. visit from the Ortho which was today.  We decided enough is enough.  I have been dealing with this knee since June and have been doing physical therapy on base for 5 months now.  If I am going to need surgery lets just do it or give me something that is actually going to work.  Well at my appointment I voiced my opinion and told the Dr. that I don't want to any quick fix things that I will have to keep coming back again and again.  I told him that we have been trying to get pregnant for 2 yrs now and we really want to do the IUI next month.  I think he finally understood my urgency this time because he gave me a new knee brace and told me to come back in one week to see if the brace, pt, and patches were working.

Regardless its finally official we are doing the IUI next month and right now I am feeling excited about it!  I am sure the day before I go in for my 1st visit I will have sleepless night and google everything I can think of.  I am really trying not to be such a pessimistic person when thinking and talking about the IUI.  I really want to believe that it will work and we will be writing happy posts on here about our growing family.

So fingers crossed the next blog I write will be about the IUI process.

-Kate

Yet another set back

So for those of you who don't know I had surgery on my knee back in September.  After 4 long months of physical therapy I was told to see my orthopedic surgen because I am still having issues with my knee.  I surprisingly was able to get an appointment to see my Dr this morning (I called Friday afternoon for the appointment).  Normally it takes a good week to 2 weeks to be able to get in and see him because that clinic is always busy.

After examining, poking, and prodding my knee he comes to a consensus about what is going on with it. He believes the reason I am having pain in the soft tissue area of my knee is because my fat pad (yes you read correctly) is being pinched and that is what is causing the pain in my knee.  Also since my knee is still registering pain it has caused my quad to not fully fire back up after surgery. You can look at my legs and see that one is smaller than the other.  Typically when you have a meniscus surgery they trim up and smooth out everything they see that looks rough.  So the Dr did trim my fat pad but apparently it wasn't enough.  So I have 3 options in order to make things possibly better.

1) Continue PT through the gym program (different from what I did the last 4 months) 2 days a week, 3 days a week with a steroid pad after therapy and one day on my own since PT is only 2 days a week, naproxen 2x a day, ice massage my knee 15 mins twice a day, and wear a patellar band on my knee.

2) Everything from number one above plus a cortisone shot in my knee to see if the inflammation will go down which hopefully triggers my quad to re-fire back up.

3) SURGERY. :( Going back in and trimming down the fat pad some more.  Hoping that we don't have to get to this point.

After hearing all these lovely options and being told that I need to come back in 3 weeks for a follow up I threw out the "were having fertility issues" statement.  All I could think about when he was telling me all these options is great yet another set back!  Basically my Dr. suggested without coming out and saying it is to wait on the IUI treatment.

Preston and I agree with that decision.  I don't want to get pregnant while we are trying to fix my knee issues.  Literally when I go for a walk with Preston and Peytin my knee gives way at least 4-5 times in a 10 min walk.  It is painful to go up and downstairs, kneel on the ground, or to squat.  I can't even imagine trying to do any of that with pregnancy weight.  My fear is that my knee will give way while I am pregnant and I will fall and either hurt myself or the baby.  I also don't want to wait till after we have a baby (if we do get pregnant) to finish PT or even surgery.  I don't want to be down for the count at that point.

So our IUI treatment is on hold for the moment.

-Kate

Blue

As care free as I should be this month with no fertility drugs, ovulation testing, and planed sex I still find myself down and blue about things.  I read an article the other day on Yahoo News that Facebook causes depression.  I can attest to this.  I read posts and see pictures daily of how happy people are with their littles ones.  Some days I am immune to it and enjoy seeing everything and then there are days like today where it deep down inside of me makes me sad.

Another thing that really cuts deep are peoples comments to me.  I know they aren't trying to hurt my feelings or be rude but they sting.  Last year when we first started to do some testing and I would tell people about what was going on one of the 1st things they would tell me is well adoption is always an option.  That hurts!  We just started testing and you are telling me to throw in the towel already.  Yes, I know that there are children in this world that are just waiting to be adopted.  But I am not ready to process that thought.  Try being told you can't have your child any more and you should just go adopt another child.  Maybe I don't want to adopt.  The thought is pretty painful even now.

Being ignored either intentionally or not by my pregnant friends cuts deep too.  It's like well since you can't or don't have children I can't associate with you.  Whether it be because you'd rather be with other "moms" or because you don't want to make me uncomfortable it still hurts.  Whats uncomfortable is that you can't share things with me.  Yes deep down some days I am uber jealous of you. But at the end of the day I am excited for this new moment in  your life.

Complaining about how horrible it is to be pregnant.  I can't wait to not be pregnant any more it's so annoying!!  Really?!? I get it your are uncomfortable and you can't sleep well.  But I would give anything to be uncomfortable and have lack of sleep.

Okay I am done venting.  Please don't think I don't enjoy seeing your family grow or read about the funny things they do.  Just remember how lucky you are to have them!

-Kate

Game Plan

Spoke to Dr. Ta on Friday.  Preston and I officially decided to give IUI all 3 tries if necessary knock on wood we don't need more than one.

So the game plan is we are going to wait till next month to give the IUI a try.  Hopefully that gives some time to save up some money.  Fingers crossed I find out on Tuesday if I got a job on base at the gym.  Any who, get this so remember how I had to make a choice between plan A or plan B for treatment.  IUI was of course plan B.  So our Dr. neglected to tell us that I will be doing all the same stuff from plan A for the IUI.  So that makes me feel much better about the odds of becoming pregnant.

Time for me to go do some research about everything!

-Kate   

Now the wait

Well it is official that the 3rd and final round of Clomid did not work. This month was actually the easiest month out of all 3. The 1st month I swore up and down I had no expectations and didn't think I would be upset if the medicine didn't work. Yeah I was a big ole mess. I was deviatated, sad, and angry. Then when I started month number 2 I said the same thing oh I won't be upset this month and I also won't be tricked by the "pregnancy" symptoms. Well my period was 3 days late and I was excited and started letting my mind believe I was actually pregnant. Low and behold the medicine just extended my cycle that month. Then I went through the exact same emotions as the 1st month.

So having my period arrive this month really wasn't a shock. Preston seems to think that I am okay this month because we have a new plan to get pregnant. Which might just be true. Either way I feel that I did pretty good with dealing with things today.

When I was prescribed Clomid I was pretty nervous about the side effects. I have a few friends who have taken Clomid.  So I asked them what I should expect when I am on it. I was told mood swings, hot flashes, pregnancy symptoms, being very sick, and no real symptoms at all. I thought great I am going to be one big hot mess for 3 months. I would often ask Preston are you really ready for all this?  He of course said yes.

Month 1: no symptoms until the very end and I swore I had every pregnancy symptom.
Month 2: I think that was a hot flash?
Month 3: okay that was a hot flash!

The only thing I can really complain about Clomid besides the occasional hot flashes are the horrible 1st day of your period cramps. I am doubled over and practically in tears because of the pain. I will even stand in the shower with hot water for a good 25-30 mins trying to make myself feel better. Tonight was one of those nights (they always happen when I lay down or am trying to sleep). 

Preston and I made the decision we will be trying 3 rounds of IUI. I put a call into our Dr on Tuesday to tell him our decision. We still have a few more questions for him so we are waiting on a call back from him. I will probably call again tomorrow and see if we can talk. 

Alright that's all for now. It's midnight and I have to be up early for PT. 

-Kate

A little bit of history

After reviewing what I have posted so far I figured it probably would be a good idea to fill you all in with our history.

In one of my posts it sounds like we have only been really trying for 3 months. In all reality we have been dealing with this for well over a year. Some of our friends and family knew about what was going on. And honestly if anyone asked I would tell them what was going on. Okay back to our history.

At about one year of marriage we knew something was up. We weren't trying but we also werent preventing either. Once we moved to Lemoore we became more proactive in seeking a Dr who would help us. So last November (2011) we started seeing Dr. Ta. At 1st we started small tracking my ovulation and getting blood tests done to see what my levels were.

Next Preston had some tests ran on him. Everything came back fine with him. He has great blood flow and his count is high. So now my turn to get checked out. Little did I know how extensive it was going to be. The 1st test was a simple ultrasound. Again everything came back normal for me. Dr. Ta wanted to check to see of my Fallopian tubes were opened or of they were blocked. That test is called HSG test. For those of you who dont know what that test is I will give you a quick summary. They put a catheter in you and pump dye into your uterus and they use ultrasound to see if the dye flows into your tubes. My test came back normal and the dye flowed. However they noticed something funny looking in my uterus. After another Dr. visit it was decided that I need at CT scan to see what was going on. At this point Preston left for deployment. So I knew we wouldn't be getting pregnant any time soon but at least we could try to figure out what was going on. The scan showed that I have a heart shaped uterus. Which it isn't a bad or really a good thing. Basically if we were able to become pregnant at about 35 weeks the baby would be running out of room. But we will deal with that if and when that happens.

So after 5 months of deployment we go to see Dr. Ta again in August. At that point he prescribed us Clomid 50 mg for 3 months. That same week I found out I needed surgery on my left knee. So we had to put off ttc for awhile in order to have my surgery and make sure I wasn't taking any pain meds on top of the Clomid.

That in a nutshell is our history.

-Kate

Infertility Etiquette

I stole this from another site but please keep in mind the following:

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child. 

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? 

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen. 

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility. 

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature. 

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?" 

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her. 

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

-Kate

Our visit from yesterday

After trying for 3 months with using Clomid 50 mg and having no success we had a meeting with my OB.  For the last 3 months my progesterone levels were beautiful.  Every fertile woman's dream!  But even with those number we still did not become pregnant.

Our Dr. has basically given us two options to move forward with ttc.  We have option A: Basically do the same thing we have done for the last three months but bump the dosage of the Clomid and I also have to do self injections.  In doing this it will require a lot of visits to his office.  I would need a lot of ultrasounds to make sure everything looks good during my cycle.

Option B: IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).  This is more expensive than choice A.  It will cost roughly $200 a pop.  Which I have heard is very cheap compared to what other people have had to pay for it.  But keep in mind Preston is the only person working at the moment.  So to us spending $200 is a lot of money with all the bills we pay each month.

Here is the kicker with the choices.  We can only do this for 3 months.  After 3 months our Dr. will no longer provide these services for us any more.  Mainly because it costs the hospital around $10,000 per round.  So we have to choose which option we want.  We can't do 3 months of choice A and then try 3 months of choice B.

At first my initial thoughts were try one round of choice A and then if needed two rounds of choice B.  But after a few hrs of letting things sink in I feel like choice B needs to be given 3 chances.  Both of these options has a very small percentage of us actually getting pregnant.  In fact the normal healthy couple that is TTC has only a 20% chance of becoming pregnant.  So we are talking maybe a 10% chance with the IUI which aren't very good odds at all.

I had a very sleepless night thinking about all the options and what we should choose.  Then this question popped in my head.  What if we aren't supposed to be parents??  Do I really want to put myself through all these treatments?  And I know in my heart yes we are supposed to be parents and yes I need to put myself through this.  But what I struggle the most with is the disappointment each month.  That I have failed once again.  I do get sad and happy at the same time when friends and family members announce their pregnancy or the sex of the baby.  I want so badly to have those moments in life.

-Kate

Intro

I have decided to start blogging about our infertility struggles.  I find it easier sometimes to write things out verus telling someone my every thought about what we are going through.  Most of these posts will be from my personal perspective and not Preston's. However he may post from time to time.  Please respect what we are blogging about and I will try my hardest to have everything grammatically correct.


Kate